musings of a wandering mind

2007-03-24T04:07:00.000+05:00

The end of almost 4 years... The end of a path of discovery, of moulding, or metamorphosis into the being I will remain for the rest of my life. But it does not feel as if this sojourn in this college that I am in, has had much of a profound impact. It is easy to say that one has grown, has suffered, has learnt many things, but how much of that was a case of form following function or the other way around ?

I do not pretend to know the answer. Yet, what I do know, what I do comprehend and percieve in my limited sense of the world, through my naivete in the nature of life, is that perhaps nothing can be taken for granted. Sweat and blood are required materials for almost anything that withstands the test of time and is worth possessing. Be it relationships or be it something more tangible.

Platitudes and axioms regarding practical wisdom are abundant and if you but give someone, nay, anyone the time of day, they will tell you everything from the start of time itself to what their ancestors have passed down to them. It is quite sad is it not? Why not question? Why simply take the word of someone and build upon that? What if the foundation on which you base your premises are faulty in themselves. And even if not flawed, perhaps they have become redundant and anachronistic ?

Lead the march into the jaws of hellions, and Im sure many would follow to smite the evil. Sing praises for the angels and saints and many would flock to remember the departed Embark on but a new thought process, a radically different angle of approach and none shall stir. Man fears change, but why, when it is oh so obvious that change is the only constant in our lives. We grow old, we change with our experiences, we form relationships with people, lose touch and create new ones again. We buy and sell good, assets, in some cases even lives. Struggling to get a larger slice of the pie, letting go of what we have to chase after something we can never be sure of obtaining. Human nature is indeed peculiar and far devoid of logic.

But to return to the original subject, what about four years of college? what about the dreams we had in high school? Have we fulfilled them? Or has the world changed so much since then that we have forged new dreams from the ashes of the old. Have we given up and resigned to a fate determined in the end by a force other than our own hands? Do we still struggle against the chains that threaten to keep us trapped where we started ? Have we become opportunists, or realists or mere pessimists ? Are there any who still retain their precious optimism after being exposed to the harsher realities of existence ? Can we still hope for a better world and a good life? Do we even know what the two are anymore?
Is this a part of growing up or simply an imprint of our environment ?

Alas, it seems that the fundamental difference underlying the life of happiness or the life of meaning eludes us. The former is possible, but only by living in the present and not giving two hoots about the past or the future. The latter is perhaps more satisfying if achieved, but requires learning from the past and obsessing about the future. There isn't any easy path to follow, no tried and tested method which allows us to avail the world as our oyster. Perhaps that is the cardinal lesson from university. There is no easy path to follow anymore...

2006-10-27T15:27:00.000+05:00

In light of events in the past few months, and changes that have occured over that time, it is to be noted that as graduation nears, it is more than plainly obvious that a lot of people will find out certain unpleasant truths about the world outside... and sadly enough, in our country, things are more than just a bad taste in the mouth, they can get downright filthy.

But what can one do, if people dont want to listen... nothing except to just stand by and wait, help out once the damage is done. I think I'v used this quote before,
'the common man learns from his own mistakes, but the wise man learns from the mistakes of others' .

but on to more pleasant things. Two parties to go to. One on friday, the other somewhere in december. I haven't been to parties in almost two years, but these I think are a must, since they are firstly, trance parties, so the music is to my liking. Secondly, they are the birth of a trend that seems to be emerging, the invitation of foreign dj's to local shores. Nirvana lounge and buddha bar dj's.... that's the first one, the second will include the opening artists for proper mainstream trance master's like tiesto and paul van dyk. And I, for one, intend to be at the forefront of this wave. The exact same way I start listening to trance almost eight long years ago :)

Women redefined.....

2006-10-24T14:50:00.000+05:00

An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication. It is credited by many of the elder zoologists with a certain vestigial docility acquired in a former state of seclusion, but naturalists of the postsusananthony period, having no knowledge of the seclusion, deny the virtue and declare that such as creation's dawn beheld, it roareth now. The species is the most widely distributed of all beasts of prey, infesting all habitable parts of the globe, from Greeland's spicy mountains to India's moral strand. The popular name (wolfman) is incorrect, for the creature is of the cat kind. The woman is lithe and graceful in its movement, especially the American variety (felis pugnans), is omnivorous and can be taught not to talk.
—Balthasar Pober

2006-10-15T17:06:00.000+05:00

Its been a while since I last posted. Well, not too big of a gap, but a gap all the same. Time for the ceremonial dumping of mental garbage on this biggest of garbage heaps... my blog.

Well, I'v been trying to figure out a problem that's been plaguing me for a while. I mean, its been on and off for the last 6-8 months. And try as I might, it does not seem to go away. And for one reason or another, I can't walk away from it either.

This attempt at a futile co-existence, where ignorance is applied to make reality more manageable is definitely kind of sad. I mean, how the hell does one person ignore the presence of another completely. Especially if they know them. And since I have no idea of what is going on, I am reacting instead of acting. Matching the other like a game of chess, move for move. It was amusing for a while, then it became annoying and now its borderline pissing off. I mean dude, 6 months is a decent amount of patience. I believe in the forgive and forget policy, but unfortunately it only works if both parties use it. And that, my dear friends, is something that does not happen too often.

So what to do? I guess perhaps confrontation is the only option? Yes. No. Answers anyone?

2006-09-27T00:46:00.000+05:00

Its been a while ... things have been hectic... not much has happened....
well I suppose things have been moving along, but except for ramzan, and Ramzan Mubarak btw, everythings kinda cool... well, mostly anyways...

Just gotta get rid of some excess baggage which is starting to get annoying... kind of like that buzzing fly that you can't seem to swat... or that high pitched whining noise that one notices when the electricity goes and there is absolute silence.

Life is otherwise pretty good... just in case you were wondering :)

2006-07-19T13:54:00.000+05:00

It appears that of late, the random music collection I keep building has developed a trend toward the old but not too old classics, toward slow jazz, toward chillout and celtic genres.. Increasingly I find myself searching for music that is calm and soothing instead of perhaps upbeat, euphoric or rhythmic....

One masterpiece is by Fiona Joyce - Is this the future, and another awesome track is The Hunt is Sweetest by Laura Powers.. Try giving them a listen.. Im sure you'll like them ;)

Fake microsoft interview on the 'MiPod'

2006-07-08T21:13:00.000+05:00

Found a random link through google which is now part of the english language. Yeah, you heard it right. Its a VERB.. like xerox and hoover before it.
More to the point, some random dude made up fake microsoft replies to possible questions that would arise if Microsoft were to release a wireless mp3 player to compete with Apple's Ipod. I thought it was quite amusing.

Why?
We cannot stand that Apple owns this market. We thought we could get a piece with the Windows Media Player-based players, but even with all those WMP-based players, we still have maybe 25 percent of the market. For us, it's 90 percent or nothing.

How should companies like Samsung, Phillips, Creative, Toshiba and others perceive this move?
Perceive? Let's be clear: they don't have to perceive anything. What we do will help them…we promise. If our player somehow becomes more popular than all their players put together, well, that's not our fault—well, it's our aim, but not our fault.—Continue reading…

You already have MSN Music and Urge (with MTV), and there are many places to get WMP music. Do we really need another service?
You bet you do. You need our service. This one will be so tightly integrated with our new player you won't be able to slide a pin between them. The other services are nice—er—we mean great! And we wish them all the best. Our player and services will simply share a marriage unlike any other found between competing player and service.

The MiPod's wireless capabilities could put it in direct competition with the small-but-growing phone/player wireless music download service market. Are you ready to compete with companies like Verizon and Virgin mobile?
Our smart phones download music, too, so we're already there. We're not afraid of Verizon, Virgin or any other mobile service provider. We just want our player users to have all the same opportunities as other mobile users and we want to be special, really special, in the market and make everyone forget that there's any other way to get your music (and videos) over the air. We rule!!! (Sorry, we've been doing corporate training on enthusiasm—guess we got carried away.)

What does this mean for the Portable Media Player market?
Put a fork in them. They're done.

Does Allard's involvement mean that the MiPod will look like the iPod-influenced Xbox 360 and, if so, could it just end up looking like another iPod?
Our 360 looks like an iPod? Funny, we never noticed that. Um, well, our player will look different, unique, elegant. Special. It may be white. We're not sure

Summer Quarter

2006-07-05T21:08:00.000+05:00

It has surely been a very interesting 5 weeks so far, given that the quarter in its entirety is only 6 weeks. :P
yet, it has felt like a normal quarter, one that is 10 weeks long... and its not the heat, humidity and the banal everyday classes that Im talking about, but it seems that everything which usually takes its time unfolding in a normal quarter, happens at a hectic pace, much much faster.. Things, events, people, just hit you bam bam bam, in a very relentless fashion.

but I can say that Im content... Finally... after ages and ages of suspicion, doubt, massive insecurity and alienation, life has returned to how it is supposed to be... atleast for me. To sum it up in one word id say "trouble-free"...."

Hehe... Perhaps the re-entry of purpose, ambition, drive, and a jump to the next plateau of development lends a boost of euphoria to one's perceptions. To maintain that euphoria, a special ingredient is required, and I believe I have discovered it... No.. Discovered isn't the correct term... Re-discovered. yes, that's it. What is it? :P

Everybody needs to find it for themselves, or else it loses meaning. Be who you are. Know yourself, and inevitably a conclusion will be reached which is harmonious with your very existence. No more doubt, or troubles. Smooth-sailing waters... A gentle breeze in clear skies. :)

2006-06-23T10:58:00.000+05:00

For someone of dream,
a heart pounds in agony,
for someone of soul,
the mind is held in thrall,
such a person walks this earth,
for in each and everyone of us,
a star is shining, unique
in its ephemeral radiance,

Waves crash upon a shore,
where the sands play with the sea,
and the wind creates a surf,
in which we can lose ourselves,
the choice is forever ours,
yet beyond our grasp and understanding
Wholesome and broken individual!
Remember who you are...

In vanity does mankind find reprieve,
a pawn in the war between god and satan,
battlescarred and wartorn underneath,
perfect and flawless is human beauty,
as frail as fresh leaves on a spring morning
but what of me? I know myself,
perhaps less so than a rock is aware,
such is the state of ashraful makhlukhat...

Hither and thither do lead our quests,
but why no peace or everlasting satisfaction?
The real variable is as fickle
and playful as the wind upon the moor,
The dregs of wine provide no answer,
nor do volumes of philosophy....
Where in may I search the fountain of youth,
save within my heart and soul.

2006-06-10T01:55:00.000+05:00

In a reproach 'twere mentioned,
of a light that danced and beckoned,
enchanting me inspite of my resolve,
dissolving what I coveted
'ere I could define what I desired,
a lost soul meandering in twilight,
I succumbed to that bright orb,
its warmth reassuring, guiding reason,
O gilted and jaded man,
what art thou ? but,
a droplet in the universal ocean
A second chance granted to thee,
of greener pastures to traverse,
and a life forever eternal....

2006-05-23T07:40:00.000+05:00

Exams... bugger... those blasted thingamajigs again... life seems full of them... give one set, only to be presented with more of the same the next month... After about 3 years... grown indifferent to them.
In a turn of events that seemed highly unlikely, I realise im pretty much back to square 1... although of course if you factor in the time variable... its more like square 1 + time differential effects..

Study...Education...Pedagogy... all denote a concept... and a rather curious link exists... Study implies more of a self-education angle.. whereas education and pedagogy imply more of a knowledge-being-inculcated type of feel... perhaps its just me... or perhaps its just the effect of hanging out with too many social science majors... but I speaketh what be on me mind..

Of course one should always have plausible deniability...It works like a charm..

2006-05-11T00:14:00.000+05:00

In the normal scheme of things, (quite usual at LUMS) plans have a way of not working out... except only the cunning ones.... Yes.. Perhaps I was a little foolish to take at face value, the words of a colleague about mission impossible 3 being put on at the cinema, told 25 people, badgered them to confirm, went to book the tickets only to discover that the movie was being put on a MONTH later!!!
What utter SADNESS!!!! as Mr. T says, " I pity the fool". :P

Invisible driving techniques... :D aka.. shadowing

2006-05-07T18:20:00.000+05:00

Last night was the farewell after-party... located on a bedian farm.. a good 15km away from LUMS.. Road is like a typical rural area road. no lights whatsoever... occasional house.. fields on both sides dropping away from the road... uneven bumpy tarmac... every so often you encounter an ox-cart or a tractor carting a harvest...

On such a road, around 1 am.. I was racing with my good friend.. mr. ahmed bashir who was in a 1.0 liter petrol santro... me who was in a old and beat-up cng mehran (0.8l engine)... Obtaining a head-start, I managed to keep him blocked by driving in the center of this 15 foot wide road... the drop of 5 feet on either side preventing him from going around... that was until we hit some speed-breakers.. He got a chance, did a bit of off-roading in gravel and drove past... I cleared the speedbreaker but he was already a good 30m in front... The mehran valiantly tried to keep pace, but age and fuel type was the deciding factor.. No way could I have caught up to him... Somehow, the idea floated into my head that if I switched off all the lights, I would be invisible and maybe he would slow down since he would not know my exact position. This I did, all the while hoping nobody would come and slam into me from behind. It worked.. He slowed down.. He could not see where I was.. By the time he figured out what I was doing, I was upon him.. He sped up, but luckily for me.. there was an ox-cart in front... slow.. ponderous.. wide.. It left him with no alternative than to break.. and seizing the opportunity... I overtook and won !! YES!!!!!!... im not gonna let him forget this for a while.. :D

2006-05-06T02:49:00.000+05:00

In an interesting turn of events, we caught jooti smiling in a picture... Unfortunately it took 3 years to happen :P.

As you can tell from my shirt, there were some mischief-makers who like to throw water at the WRONG PEOPLE!!!

2006-05-03T21:37:00.000+05:00

Ahem Ahem... I think the Paki government finally got the message that no matter what, BLOGGERS cannot be stopped.. They are a FORCE to be reckoned with :P ....
Yee HA (cowboy style)

Elder Scrolls IV : Oblivion

2006-05-01T13:10:00.000+05:00

Ladies and gentlemen, fellow bloggers and respected gamers... I bring to you a personal review of Elder Scrolls IV : Oblivion, the title that in all honesty, simply decimates the current reigning champion, WoW as the ultimate role-playing title. Even if you do not play games, you should take a look at this wickedly awesome production by Bethesda studios. My previous all time favorite apart from Sierra was Bungee software... who after the insanely attention-grabbing and mind-blowing Myth and HALO series have gone dark... probably working clandestinely on another brilliant game, but I digress...

To get right to it, the graphics are superb, no words can do justice, for I strongly follow the ideology of a 'picture speaks a 1000 words'. The storyline is gripping, the environments and AI is brilliant, the physics engine is quite something by itself, and the minimum requirements are staggering. If you thought FPS shooters like FEAR were demanding, think again, for this baby manages to bring a Radeon 1900 XT 512Mb down on its knees... On a P4 3.4, with 2G ram, WD Raptor HDD, with a Radeon 1900XT, on 1024 x 768 resolution, at max detail, the card barely manages to hold a sustainable 30fps! Open environments, random generation of objects, tasks and quests make for a game that has long been awaited by gamers...

After simply 3 hours of gameplay, avoiding side-quests and having seen the plane of oblivion... I can simply say that I have no regrets spending money on having acquired by 6800 ultra... Hehehe... Since I am currently the only individual in my vicinity possessing a 3dcard capable of running nex-gen games.. as James Brown says : 'I feel good' :D

SO my advice to all you people is ... SPEND MONEY ... UPGRADE your PC'S... and PLAY THE GAME.. You will regret having missed the opportunity...

2006-04-26T17:30:00.000+05:00

Planning for the summer break, hooking people up with job opportunities, trying to resolve issues that are non-existent, getting treated to steak at Polo Lounge, wondering if I'll have any free time at all, talking away the hours of night with a cousin about to leave, enduring the scorching heat of this banal city, and studying for a 'GAME THEORY' midterm.... sheesh.... does the cycle ever end?

2006-04-18T22:43:00.000+05:00

Things have fallen into place... opportunities are presenting themselves at a rapid pace... entertainment is endless... life is good, what can i say :P

2006-04-14T11:07:00.000+05:00

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king, or so the saying goes. Its quite a proverb, since it manages to express so many different facets of human behaviour, accomplishing all that in under 10 words is rather impressive.
*sigh, i'd like to meet the person who first said that... bet he had a bunch of other lines to go along with it. :P

Gamer babes and what its all about!

2006-04-12T07:55:00.000+05:00

On an interesting note, I believe Tom's Hardware has defined an issue that has been close to the heart of many many gamers around the world. The discussion between Aaron McKenna and Rob Wright has touched on some pretty core issues surrounding females in the cyber games arena. Check it out here.

2006-04-09T00:21:00.000+05:00

to save an ostrich or not is the question?

People

2006-03-31T04:30:00.000+05:00

Its been a while since I've posted, but studying in uni, does not leave too much time to keep an ongoing diary/news column. Hence, the gaps in posts.

Moving on, past couple of weeks have shown me so very many different things about people, its altogether strange and interesting, mysterious and alluring, enchanting and frightening, all combined into one elegant mixture. People can never be figured out as individuals. I'm not sure who said this but "As individuals we are intelligent, yet as a group we are stupid". That was his reason for democracy never being able to work, but it is also my support for being able to figure out how certain groups of people behave.

Its so very easy to spot, the difference between day scholars and hostelites, between hostelites from Karachi, and those from other areas, and then you can jump into the groupings that form through subject specialisation, CS, ACF, ECON, LAW, SS, MATH etc. And you would probably think what is so damn special about that statement. And the truth is nothing really. Its what you do with information, and how you use it. Knowledge is power. Being able to predict to some extent how a particular group will react or respond, gives a tremendous advantage in resolving fights, taking care not to offend somebody unintentionally, and other secrets which I will not display, since its hard-earned knowledge. :P
Hard-earned you ask? Well, by hard-earned I refer to difficult experience, reality checks, truths which are ugly but still true nonetheless, the 'mystery of life' kind of stuff.

Yes, and such an event occured recently, wherein I chose to swallow my pride, go against the very principles I have stood for and thought I would never abandon, where I protected people and lied to them at the same time, because they were unaccepting of the truth, an event where it went against every fibre of my being to give them an alternate truth which would keep their fantasy spinning and not cause them pain. People do not generally like the truth, and the harbinger of that truth is the one who suffers. Its like breaking the aqueduct because the water that flowed through was murky instead of potable. Alas, it is a difficult world we live in, a place where hypocrisy rules as the norm, and being the social animals that we are, conforming to pack mentality, donning a guise which is not really us to be a part of something we are not too comfortable with but still must go on living in and of course, cutting out people who do not share your view(s).

By now, you probably think what kind of shit happened to actually make me say all these things, and perhaps, in due time, I might tell you.
Until then, good night kind sirs.

Pssst

2006-03-16T00:48:00.000+05:00

In a sad twist of fate, it seems to appear that certain individuals, nay... i prefer the term ostriches inside empty salad bowls, are bound for that gorge, walking backwards as it were, and no matter what you do to shout out and tell them they will fall and get hurt, they refuse to listen, because it is more comfortable to live in a sheltered cocoon.

Hah...reaffirming my initial intuition, I have grown quite weary of facades and false pretences, that sit in this group. Indeed, I bid them good luck.... *thumbs up

2006-03-07T00:43:00.000+05:00

Dreams of ether, swirling endlessly,
Long gone days, in a golden sunset,
Wispy camaraderie tendrils,
A pulsing rhythm that resonates,
With the cyclical movement of life.

Thoughts echo on blank sheets
of music, of emotions, of academia,
They gallop on green fields,
of hope, of desire, of love,
Illusions present themselves as works
of magicians, of people, of religion.

Mystical soliloquies and fairy tale nursery rhymes,
Shakesperean asides, and Ceasarian speeches,
Cults and people swaying in fire-hewn dances,
Black eyed woman, seductively dancing in veils.

A beast awakens deep underground,
its roar shakes the surface-dwellers,
Clouds of anger collect upon the zenith,
of thought, of goverment, of change.

Plasma

2006-02-28T15:14:00.000+05:00

Interesting things are happening at a frighteningly fast pace. It wasn't too long ago that Jeremy Clarkson scoffed at the guys workin in VW labs trying to create a road car with a thousand and one, yes, that's right, a thousand and one... and just for added effect 1001 horsepower.
But they did. And now he's all a-drool over it... Haha.. good work boyz.. not often he eats his own words.
And now we have news about there possibly being 3d plasma shapes being created in air... just imagine, we could have like our very own aurora borealis (northern lights) . Past few days I'v been wanting a lava lamp, but, this would be like so much more infinitely awesome.... Plasma... Air getting ionised... just WOW.
Check it out here.

Things to note about LUMS

2006-02-27T12:47:00.000+05:00

1. If you have one or more girls in one of your classes, who rank above 6 on the HAWW scale, do NOT bother studying. They will without a doubt get good marks if the teacher is a male, the mean will go up, and you will get screwed. Rather, befriend them. It might improve your GPA.

2. If you have been cheating during an exam, and get caught, you can always do the following:
a) Say the 'extra' material is personal
b) Fight with the TA in front of the rest of the class
c) Shove a female TA into the wall as you make your escape
d) Deny anything ever happened in front of the DC committee.

Chances are, if you don't look like a sleazy schmuck, you might just get away with it. After all, they dont have hard evidence, except for about eye witness accounts from 30-40 people. That's all.

3. Good weather surprises you in LUMS. You go into an exam when its sunny and hot, you come out and it has rained and hailed, and hit 3 of your friends, and its freezing cold.

4. Girls in LUMS have a bad sense of direction. Never let them drive your car, or get directions to any place from them.

5. If you have somehow established yourself as a download guru, you get free PC equipment from other people.

6. If you know how to drive well, you can get a car for yourself.

7. People believe that Indian bhangra music is dance music meant for parties that must be played in order for people to go wild. However, any music with sufficient bass pumping through enough large speakers will do the trick.

8. If you host a party, do not use home-sofas for seating purposes. They will get ruined without fail and become un-usable.

9. People in LUMS have a secret disappearing technique. Kind of like a secret handshake in a ghetto or slum.

10. People in LUMS stare at you if you have an mp3 player and cool headphones.

Thats it for this week ladies and loodiez.

last 10 days

2006-02-20T01:25:00.000+05:00

Yes, it comes to pass yet again, when all and sundry here are engaged in the exercise, sometimes fruitful, but mostly fruitless exercise of studying for final exams at the end of the quarter...
Hmmm... I wonder why? In a country such as ours, where people are ready to kill each other over any excuse, yes, im referring to the recent killings over some cartoons drawn in a foreign newspaper, is there really much point in working like dogs, in a system designed by the West, with teaching methods evolved by the West, in order that we think like the West and act like them? Alright, I suppose the counter-argument is valid, the one where we must study their systems so we can understand and reduce our handicap in the literacy department, gain a more equal footing and so on and so forth. And, supposing I concede the following argument as well, one involving that to seek knowledge is to grasp power, the pen is mightier than the sword, that hard work and good grades pay off, with all that the above entails. That might work, if our country actually ran on merit-based principles, but since it doesn't, what choice is the cream of Pakistan's educated community left with, other than to seek employment opportunities abroad right? Brain-drain as it is called. So after being educated by the West, taught how to behave and think like them, we end up working for them as well.. Splendid, marvelous, Fantastic!

Why is it that most people I come across, apology to those who might take offense, think inside the box. Why don't people question the things they are taught, and I do not mean simply delving deep into a subject, exploring different views on philosophy or politcal ideologies, or even the why's and how's of sciences such as biology and physics. I mean, question the way things are done, the way cultural patterns and social norms of behaviour are reinforced in us. Why dont people actually think, and question the very traits or concepts bred into us as taboo. Its surprising, over arguments with many people, I have discovered that only a minority have sufficient factual information to backup their arguments or actions. In the end, it almost always boils down to, that's the way everybody does it, or my personal favorite, my parents told me so, and I listen to my parents, because what they say seems to work.
Now dont get me wrong, Im all for parents and listening to them, I'd take a bullet for them any day and defend their honor for all I'm worth, but I do have the option to ask for explanations, to question if I do not understand or disagree with some things they say or do, partly because my experience has been different, the times have been different etc. If I find their explanation unsatisfactory, and I wish to discern the truth, or the correct path, or atleast the correct explanation for something I would feel much more at ease, and at peace with myself and the world. The conviction that comes with correct knowledge, or knowing that you are right and not treading along on some flimsy tradition that started off in the distant past, whose reasoning nobody even remembers is intensely liberating.

And ok, so most people follow this process unconsciously or consciously. But why do they stop there? If what we have been taught is incorrect, or based on weak reasoning, might this not extend to other concepts we have been taught. I was told that life is a learning experience from the cradle to the grave, but at some point during this learning process, our wits become dimmed, we take the easy path of just accepting rules practiced, and follow the standard? why? because its easier than asking questions and creating thorns that stick into your side. Think outside the box dude. A quote from a movie too I believe. The answer is not in the box, its in the BAND! (for those of you who might remember).

Excessive rationalisation or search for truth is also not good, because it can lead one into a never-ending abyss, a spiral limbo if you will, the double helix sort, where you keep going on in circles, questioning the answers you have further... and well blegh... its no fun.. not to mention frootless!

So what do we do... we study and study and then do some more studying, until reading package material is falling out of our noses and ears, our eyes bloodshot, mind whirring like some apache helicopter's rotors, and all thoughts of enlightenment that could occur during such an elevated state tend to get drowned with all the crap stuffed into our heads.. 'the banking method' of teaching if you will...
Read the pedagogy of the oppressed, Paulo Freire at his best, explaining how things should be learnt, skills obtained that are applicable in everyday life in a more holistic fashion.

moral.. think and question, and be not afraid to venture into previously unexplored realms, for fear of them being taboo or invading somebody else's space... never understood that last one since its apparently physical and psychological in properties.

2006-02-15T10:59:00.000+05:00

Hmm.... this picture is from THAT drive I mentioned earlier on.

2006-02-14T00:48:00.000+05:00

Speaking of blogs and wishes on blogs.... the one i made the other day came true....

went on a LONG ass drive on the highway =p and it felt sooo goood.. (pun intended for those who know)

so the moral, make wishes on blogs.... you never know when it could come true... :)

2006-02-10T16:00:00.000+05:00

am i scary ?? ( I dont think so, but a lot of lahoris do.... awesome!! xD)

2006-02-09T00:55:00.000+05:00

I need a car!!!!
for some reason this thought has been driving me nuts... (pun intended)....
I need to go on a LONG drive, like atleast 50-60km of straight pen road, with no dumbass lahori mofo's driving, no pedestrians or black cats randomly jumping in front, no speedbreakers or carbreakers(whichever you prefer), but generally a nice drive, with good music, maybe 1 person for company, and a good car under my feet. Oh yes...the simple joy of driving... I dont know what it is about automobiles and guy's but I feel there's a connection at some subliminal level... this harmony of power and exhilaration, of speed, of almost being at the edge of control, pushing the limits, an adrenaline junkie you say? well.. you might just be right! [:D].. but i dont give a shit what you think... because I dont think one should... they're not there, they're not having fun, they're just driving along at some frackin snail pace, thinking about all the things that can go wrong by driving fast... but take it from me, somebody with 10 years behind the wheel almost... an accident will happen whether or not you're going fast... not much you can do... sure, driving slow gives you a little more time to react, but if you're a relatively exprienced driver you would have seen it coming... plus you're senses are at an all time high when driving, information is being processed at a veryrapid rate, your eyes flick left and right almost 5 times a second, you're hand and feet pumped, like an athlete before a race... its fantastic! or according to my cousin 'bloody brilliant'! if you haven't been there you don't know what Im talkin about, so you should just stop reading... because, you haven't lived! Come sit in the passenger seat next to me sometime.. and i'll show you what it means to be able to drive... not dangerously, not rashly, always calmly and in control... taking chances that do not need to be taken, cramming the car into places where there is no room comes from a driver who hasn't had a bad accident, or is too spoilt and rich to give a shit if he does bang it... but for me, thats irrelevant... the car is a part of me, i know where things are temporally and spatially, which parts can be pushed how far, when to draw the line, and when I tell you I haven't had an accident in 10 years, with an average speed of 80km/hr, and on some occasions 170+ km/hr sustained for 2 mins, it should tell you something... :)
and i'v driven quite a few cars, all the way from 0.8l to 2.4l sports modded cars...and they are wickedly fast... and you can't just drive fast in any car, you have to take into account so many things, aerodynamic shape, fuel consumption, braking ability, body roll, steering reliablity, gear responsiveness, automatic or manual, rpm levels (revolutions per minute, not rounds) and of course occasionally the speedometer.
Perhaps this weekend we will be able to truly see what a 1.3l city can do... automatic.. vs a 1.6l accord, quite old, but still quick, and the new 2.0D from toyota... hehe... ill keep you informed

A truth?

2006-02-07T22:34:00.000+05:00

Hmmm... to get confused over something silly, to wonder what it is that made you even consider certain options is rather a 'bygone' sort of way of thinking... 'no use crying over spilt milk' as if..
but no, it simply means there are still things left to be figured out...
In a nutshell, the worker bee does its job, because it is ordered to... in doing its job well, it fulfills its purpose, if it ever asked 'but why?' it would accomplish nothing...
so the nuts that one finds in life (not those ones!), the little cores of wisdom that a wind of change might drop at your feet, provide an insight that keeps those annoying 'but why's?' at bay, allowing one to forget those prickly questions and do what they're supposed to be doing... isn't it?

In the words of Albert Scheitzer ' I fancy you' and according to H.B.Malik ' what a socker' , all make a lot sense when taken in tandem.. the dichotomy of events, the paradoxes of existence and perhaps even the duality of people seem to be connected somehow, in an obscure yet identifiable way...

Alas, the longing for intellectual company, and it being found when least expected and scarce where hoped for is a miserable truth, perhaps the fate of the idealist and the acceptance of a realist, all played upon by the foresight of a cynic...But who is to say what is right and what is wrong, no one man can make a judgement call, that lies in the area of expertise of a higher being... or perhaps I should say THE higher being...

Without proof of the pudding, and a restlessness which creates a vacuum in thoughts, an object sought for but never discovered, an individual dreamt of that's not real, and transient life that all but gets extinguished at a moment's notice, people continue their struggle, for if we do not, then what are we, but sheeple....

figure this out people

2006-01-09T22:41:00.000+05:00

Frauen sind hoffnungsloser als Männer innen 092

2006-01-03T18:16:00.000+05:00

a niche embalmed in sorrow,
kings and their usurpations,
of vestiges of political strife,
iron-bound liveries smeared red,
burnished bronze walls,
spoke volumes of history forgotten,
a treasure trove, sinking
in depth of immeasurable value,
crystal clear shards of,
pristine sunlight upon tendrils,
of the blood rose, aptly so.
Dust motes twinkled merrily,
an illuminati hung shadowed,
carven oak lay brokenly,
yet I felt no gloom, save
the weight of inevitability

2006-01-01T00:17:00.000+05:00

The eyes were liquid brown, the hair was an auburn of sorts, the lips beautifully carven yet the face was cold, and marble. Standing so close, I breathed in a wondrous scent, of angels, of flowers in high spring and a glistening innocence. She exuded no warmth. Her presence did not envelop me. Yet I wondered how somebody so beautiful could have no heart. Could not care about the lives of others. As I wondered, I felt the distance increasing between us. The opportunity was drawing to a close. I felt I must do something but what? Nothing came to mind. A silent scream echoed round inside my head to do something, anything, but paralysed completely, not in control of my own body, I did what I have often done in the past. Absolutely nothing, and then rationalising the difficulty of it into an abstract reason of it not being in my best interests. Just this once, I felt like I had to reach out and clasp her with my own hands, if only to reassure myself that it was not some ephemeral being, a mere figment of my imagination.
I reached out, I called, I opened my soul, taking down all those barricades I had constructed. Painfully, I let the drawbridge down, letting shine the inner light I held, the one I hid from everybody. The very core of my being trembled in excitement, in anticipation, with anxiety I had never felt before. Time seemed a construct not meant for me, and flowed like a river so swift it could not be measured. She turned, the eyes registering surprise, yet no emotion or warmth.
A bell chimed far away, its dim echo reached me. The year had ended. She might have stepped forward or responded, but damaged beyond repair, I turned away. Clutching the last vestiges of trust in humanity in my fingers, I moved toward a path more profound but more lonely than any I had traveled before. A solitary teardrop wet the dry earth as two souls parted ways.

Lahori fog

2005-12-24T17:13:00.000+05:00

Heaven-invading hills are drowned
In wide moving waves of mist,
Phlox before my door are wound
In dripping wreaths of amethyst

Ten feet away the solid earth
Changes into melting cloud,
There is a hush of pain and mirth,
No bird has heart to speak aloud.

Here in a world without a sky,
Without the ground, without the sea
- Sarah Teasdale

Fog, dhund, nebulosus, brouillard...

If you knew all the languages, you would know that they are the same.

Thick white smoke. Everywhere. Driving along the road, engulfed in some form of pea soup, necks craning out the window to perhaps see a metre or so further than inside, eyes watering in the frigid vapour hanging still in the air, creating shapes that swirl effortlessly and melt and reform. Yellow street lights lending an eerie form of atmoshphere, as if an otherworldly portal exists every 30 metres along the road. Cars pass by, fleeting images of headlights vainly struggling to penetrate the gloom.

Under such conditions, a discussion emerged on the use of fog lights and I prefer to leave an explanation for people who have no IDEA what they are talking about.
Firstly, white light is composed of more than one colour and these disperse and reflect off the drops of water suspended in the air. Yellow street lights are not white bulbs covered by a yellow filter, instead they make use of sodium vapor to screen all light except the yellow. Another thing, Under sodium vapor light, something blue looks gray. This makes it hard to, say, recognize your car in a parkinglot. So, make sure it really is your car that you are getting into.

Before we get into the thick of it, I'll give you the explanation which you can find here and there. As everyone knows, scattering(dispersion) is always greater at the shortwavelength end of the visible spectrum than at the longwavelength end. Lord Raleigh showed this to us. Thus to obtain the greatest penentration of light through fog, you should use the longest wavelength possible. Red is obviously unsuitable because it is used for stop lights. So we compromise and use yellow. This explanation is flawed for more than one reason. Fog droplets are, on average, smaller than cloud droplets, but they still are huge compared with the wavelengths of visible light. Thus scattering of such light by fog is essentially wavelength independent. Unfortunately, many people learn(without caveats) Rayleigh's scattering law and then assume that it applies to everything. They did not learn that this law is limited to scatterers small compared with the wavelength and at wavelengths far from strong absorption.
The second flaw is that in order to get yellow light in the first place you need a filter. Note that yellow fog lights were in use when the only available headlights were incandescent lamps. If you place a filter over a white headlight, you get less transmitted light, and there goes your increased penetration down the drain. There are two possible explanations for yellow fog lights. One is that the first designers of such lights were stupid and did not understand the limitations of Raleigh's scattering law and did not know the size distribution of fog droplets. The other explanation is that some ass trying to be smart beyond his capabilities thought up the brilliant idea to useyellow light as a way of signalling to other drivers that visibility is poor and caution is in order. Human stupidity is rather infinite isn't it. Why dont they keep things simple and just use a flashing red light to connote danger the way it is used in every other place in the world.

2005-12-14T09:57:00.000+05:00

The 6 demon minds of LUMS

Ikkkkeeeeessss!

2005-12-14T09:33:00.000+05:00

Yes, I know and I apologize for not having put something up on my blog for a while now, but let's just say I'v been terribly busy of late, and soul-searching and growing up and whatnot. And of course you are free to believe something else of me, if you study with me here in LUMS.

Apart from the usual fast-paced routine of this college, with its freezing wet wind, and loss of warm water during pre-class showers, I have survived 3 years in this place and achieved the modest age of 21. Yay! .. hip, hip, HURRAH! 21... legal.. anywhere in the world.. hmm... seems like i can get upto quite a bit of mischief.. hehehhehe

It was quite funny, 2 years running away from getting egged, and when it FINALLY did happen, they got me under the shirt, no, not under the belt, but under the shirt in like 5'C. Brrrr!!! and strangely enough, my cake was 2 blueberry pies.. Bloody brilliant! Its the best.. I believe some of my previous posts have mention of this delicacy of the gods.

On other fronts, I'v turned into a download addict. I need to pull tv series, anime, music, movies, anything and everything i can get my hands on. why? dunnno.. but its soooo goddamn satisfying when you have access to crazy kinds of bandwidth, and you'r pulling... its blisss.... not to mention the gratitude of people standing at your door dying to watch what you've got.. Muahahha...
ok..im scaring myself.. a lil too early on a winter morning to be making deep-throated guffaws.

Life sure seems to become interesting with each passing day. Turning into a full-blown insomniac might have something to do with it, or the fact that people who used to find me scary are more comfortable around me, and as for myself, iv been consciously trying not to scare them :P.... haha. yeah RIGHT!! i've just lost my edge. I mean you do lose interest in somebody you freaked out like about 10 times without even meaning to.. just a look, or a couple of choice words used at the right time does the trick.

ok, fine, im a sadist you might think, but occasionally I find it that to retain some measure of normalcy, just let go and use the feelings and instincts of your subconscious. The id, in Freudian theory.. go with the flow as it were.

This should be enough rambling for the moment....

2005-11-19T20:54:00.000+05:00

Comments people ? =P

Departure to hell

2005-11-09T23:29:00.000+05:00

As usual man, what crap... EID went by so fast, it wasn't even funny... I got here, and now im goin back.
The weather's been really weird here... hot in the day, awesome at night...
Well, managed to do alot somehow, like saw some Paki comedians and 1 canadian comedian, obviously he outshone the desi's but it was still good, got a few laughs out of it..
but it seemed like the poor dudes were tryin real hard, it could'v been better, but perhaps they were runnin impromptu....
ANd ladies and gentlemen, we have a Paki Rapper.. yes! a Paki rapper...goes by the name of Prophecy....he's from Miami folks... he even did some death related poetry, and of course, he wasn't having any suicidal thoughts or unrealised death issues. = P

Alas, what is our poor country gonna do when these people will come on TV... Its rather comic, excuse the sari.. i'v gotten under the influence of our very own local LUMINITE sari-master, who also btw happens to hate bloggers. but he's cool. He ain't makin no prophetic poetry which has to do with personal demons and the like. He aint exportin democracy either, or makin B B and Thatta jokes. Plain , simple, mind-boggling saris... Dude, watch out, we might just get sarofied too much one day, and then you'r in for it. = P

Damn, Iv gotta flight to catch in exactly 12hrs and i need sleep and must pack...what misery...Damn... and nothin forward to look to when i get back either. Just work, tough exams and lums people......yeah they have that effect on you, well 90% of the time anyways.

Peace out all khi bredren, hopefully soon, my return shall be, and the sojourn longer than this one. if not , for 6 months, i need your prayers to keep me sane

On all you can eats at pizza hut

2005-11-03T11:40:00.000+05:00

Pizza hut! All you can eat for just 300rs, and as always in microscopic handwriting somewhere on the banner, +tax.
Well, after like a month of waiting, finally managed to get there before the rush started , and even so, had to share the table with 2 complete strangers, which was good in a way too, because we were out of smokes and they were happy to get space and didn't mind sharing... bhaiya, aap ko pata nahin? sharing is caring !

Upon iftari, followed by a 15min wait for the pizzas to start arriving, commencement of phase 2 began, phase1 being the getting space procedure. After an hour, we were stuffed, during which 30pieces were consumed between 3 people. Not as good as my last record though, which was 40pieces between 2 young hungry men, but it sufficed to recover the cost we had paid, even counting the +tax byline.

But I cannot stop without saying something about the deteriorating quality of pizza hut. It just doesn't taste good anymore. Frankly, it feels like they'r substituting butter for pizza cheese and the bread isn't fresh or crisp, the pizza's are soggy, the quality of the ingredients looks like they'v been in the freezers for a month. It really takes away the appetite. Oh yeah, and the first batch of pizzas that made their way to my stomach were COLD!!!!
You DO NOT serve cold pizzas at iftari from somebody who withstood alot of jostling and shoving around and then waits 25mins post-iftar for his pizza, and not expect blowback do you? and then still have the nerve to complain that we didn't leave a big enough TIP. What fucking nerve! I think i'll call up my neighbour who practically runs the franchise in this country and ask him to sort out their workers... Seriously, 300rs might have been little enough to keep me quiet, but the added tax and service value just doesn't cut it no more...

'Somebody's gonna get a hurt real BAD'

.

2005-10-31T12:31:00.000+05:00

...<>

Again, I find myself uselessly staring at the screen of the PC. My mind feels filled to the brim with things that I can't really get a hold on, thoughts that I have no control over, feelings that form a vortex drawing me in, and when I try to sort them out, it just makes for a useless abstract collage that is completely disorienting in itself, so Im back to square one. Complaining about life.
I think bitching is necessary, or we would feel overwhelmed by the simple fact that our lives are so complicated and outside our influence. Getting shot in broad daylight, run over by some crazy speeding maniac or simply eating somethin substandard and getting poisoned. Its a bizarre world full of ironies and paradoxes. But perhaps that is why they say the world is an interesting place. Complaining is all good, everybody does that on some level, conscious or no, but bitching is a completeley different art. You have to be sooo far gone into the depths of pessimism and the like that you can feel the hate pouring out of you literally. Its almost a suicidal outpouring of repressed feelings that cannot but abhor those around you, the primary carnal nature that is of man, can at times be revoltingly sweet to fall back on, the sheer brutality of aggressive behaviour, of being the king of our urban jungles, the savagery that accompanies man's social nature is what makes him human. Wearing clothes and living the high life, we fool ourselves into believing that we are indeed something more than animals, but at the background of everybody's thoughts runs this undercurrent, dark and deceptive, deep and disruptive and holds the self higher than everything and anything. Me, myself, I is the only important thing. The path to self-actualization calls for accepting what we truly are and seeing our place in the world for what it really is, because otherwise we're just living in a house of cards, as fragile as somethin which can be blown to bits by the wind, figments of our perception holding us up by strings we conjure.
I find the songs of Disturbed are usually good enough to contain and provide a release for this beast that resides.

Hecticity

2005-10-28T01:08:00.000+05:00

I dont know if that's the right word, but it fits very nicely. Life's movin too fast past few weeks. Don't know if its because of ramzan or otherwise, but the days and nights move so fast everything is a blur, and the main problem is that everyday is so much like the other, so repetitive and monotonous, nothing gets done. Nothing at all. Nada. zilch.

The only cool thing that happened is that I managed to reverse strafe-jump opc1. ;)

Lets see what else happened. Um, oh yeah, almost forgot, threw a proper birthday scene for myself and ammar last night at hub's place. Chicken steaks, pasta, potato salad, seekh kabab, and ahem ahem...BLUEBERRY PIE!!!!!!!!! =D
Now that was good. very good. Heavenly might be stretching it, but would do it justice. As Kitty would say, it was a pie worth 2100rs. Mouthwateringly Fabulous.

Note: This is the only thing, i repeat the only thing out of the ordinary everyday spastic routine that exists in LUMS, that happened since my last post.

2005-10-22T02:20:00.000+05:00

Ahem...aah..aaah..aaaaaahhhhhhcccchooooooooooo!......*sniff sniff
Bloody lahori weather.. Never gets any better. When it rains, you fall sick, when its dry you fall sick, when its changing you fall sick... I mean what the bloody hell ? Damn all this

Hasn't been ten days since I recovered from the flu/ influenza(yes I know the correct term) and I'v already gotten a god damned cold again. Its more than just sad, its like the weather trying to do me in, the malicious biatch. Good news is that I stay in my room most of the time, that way interaction with stupid people on campus is limited to minimal. Stupid stupid people on campus, more akin to dumb dingoes ... asking the most inane random questions, giggling and smiling 24/7, oblivious of everything. I think I should make a secret cunning plan to get rid of them all.

Quake Fever

2005-10-18T10:44:00.000+05:00

Hello Kitty is right when he says that Pakistan does not have its own Quake3 tricking video. It's rather sad, because we did encounter some really skilled players in Lahore and Islamabad.
Anyways, cos1 strafe pads have been the bane of my existence for a while now. And last night I finally managed to get hold of a demo which shows somebody doing them properly... And the woman is really really good... mind you, its a woman... Any idea how rare they are??? Its like 1 in a billion kazillion.... All those skeptical , I have the following to say to you.. Vain Funk Koolay!
Its kind of hard to realise the passage of time when playing Quake. I mean, when in the thick of it, you stop breathing whilst playing... you're entire world outside the screen disappears and the tension is literally enough to make one get an adrenaline rush. Hehehe. I bet most people can vouch for that.

Since I have an exam in 2 hours, I better touch my books before I am unable to play quake3 due to that eternally plaguing guilty conscience

Quake3 and strafe-jumping

2005-10-15T14:13:00.000+05:00

Yes.. Im talking about Quake. And NO! I dont mean the earthquake that happened here, last week, I am talking about the first person shooter. One of my most favourite games of all time.

Quake3 Arena.

Now, a little bit of history. The game was released in 1998. It has persisted as being the benchmark for all sorts of things. From a videocard benchmark to a player skill benchmark, even from a programming point of view, it was one of those things that by their very existence, inspire. As you can see, even 7 years down the line, I'm still raving about it.
Why am I talkin about Quake? Well, its probably because it is like a lost love rediscovered. Apart from being just a fantastic time-waste, the latest thing or so it seems amongst Quake people is no more deathmatches, or capture the flag situations. Its all about strafe-jumping and trick-jumping.
For those ignorant of what strafe-jumping is, I have the following. Booyakasha. Repent!. or in the words of Jaydee! "DIE! DIE! DIE!" by which he means, you have publicly embarassed yourself, and should remove yourself from your audience as quickly as possible. He's a funny guy. To the subject at hand then.
Strafe jumping is a remarkable technique if you stop to think about it. Its a way in which a person increases their running speed in the game. Now, the standard running speed in quake3 is 320ups, or units per second(for non-gamers) and although the highest recorded officially is about 2700ups, I have managed to achieve the modest number of 1700.
How does it work? Well, it is rather tough to master, but once you get the hang of it, theres nothing more cool, except for maybe plasma-jumping, but that is the subject for another post. To quote the professionals : 'strafe jumping is easy to learn, 2 weeks and you'll know how to do it, but to master it will take atleast 6 months of perseverance' .
That said, the technique involves a complex combination of mouse movement and button-mashing, (if you love your keyboard, I would not recommend trying it) and the added danger of getting RSI (repetitive stress injury for the ignorant) and Carpel's syndrome if you have a weak composition. Hypnotic side effects are not unheard of either. Several hours may pass before you recover your conscious thought stream. To fly like the wind, to run rings around your opponents, to do fantastic leaps and bounds and of course the added benefit of having my peers gasp in stunned silence at feats they can never do, is but merely stating the obvious.

For another description of strafe-jumping, visit my fellow quaker's blog. http://fearthedonut.blogspot.com

2005-10-11T20:02:00.000+05:00

O Lord! Where art thou in this time of need?
Sound the bugle, and recall thy lost men.
O great shepherd, In need of a guide be they.
Who but ye, can make it happen?

The lonely philosopher...sits and wanders...and at the end, prayer is the only salvation.
People who have suffered, grant them peace,
Those who have lived, grant them wisdom,
For those who have lost, provide support,
And those lost, be their guide

2005-10-10T11:29:00.000+05:00

Chalice of answers,
return to my hands, in you
lies my salvation, but fear not
I will never give up,
the search,
a budding thorn is my
conscience, never letting me
rest in peace, turning me
in my grave of a world,
the sun seems to give no life,
and moon, has disappeared,
stars are my consolation,
Chalice! to whom do you belong now?
Are my memories safe in
your depthless confines?
Send me a ripple,
to ease my aching soul,
twenty and one years I was faithful,
now, without you, I am
but a mere mortal.
God seems restless, and the earth,
it quakes with His wrath,
Upon the prayer-mat, I find myself,
Fountains of faith no more
seem to be gushing forward.
In this dreary existence, a speck
calls out to another,
Perhaps in search of comfort?
Enthralled and in thrall I find myself.
Chalice! I wish for your safe journey,
Return to make the home and heart
secure once more

Sleep and its mysteries

2005-10-08T03:25:00.000+05:00

Has one of you ever been in the state where you'r awake, but not quite, just lying there, trying to figure out where you are, listening to the first sounds the mind registers, as you gradually awaken from a deep slumber. Its akin to the state of catatonia, where you are listless, where you'r limbs refuse to move, because your brain hasnt' sent the signals to the limbs just yet, but its working rapidly, as if trying to distract you from the real depths of its subconscious self, throwing your senses into overload, everything jumping out at you in bright sparkly colours, sounds clearer than the best digital home theater speaker system around. Just vast amounts of raw information being processed at a frighteningly fast pace through your head.
Well, it was in one of these moments, that I , Saad Hashmi, discovered the real thoughts that have been plaguing me for some time. I wasn't completely unaware of their existence, solely that they were there, like dark waters under a bright blue sea, and I was too busy being blinded by the sun reflecting of the surface of the waves. I became conscious all of a sudden, of the true nature of my dreams, of my wishes, of my desires and it was too much to take in at once. So what did I do? I've been sleeping for the past two days, almost constantly, partly because its the month of fasting, partly because I am able to access the inner side of me, the dark side of oneself as it were, because I fear everybody has such a side, but they refuse to look at it. And it somehow projects that scary thought that if I were to look at myself in a mirror, I might find myself appalled. Not the superficial me, rather the me that exists in the form of my soul. Kind of like Dorian Grey did, when he swapped lifelong youth for his soul in a portrait.
To say that I was quite surprised would be a master understatement. I might have gone catatonic because of this very reason. The true nature of my character, when it presented itself to me, was unlike anything I imagined how I appeared to other people. But its a story for another time. =P

2005-09-30T00:21:00.000+05:00

Well..it has been some time since my last update on this page. Damn....LUMS is too god damned tough at times.
Its quite hilarious that other people seem to have soo much free time on their hands that their blogs run like an updated commentary on their lives...but its cool too i guess.. they love their blogs . =P

So what has been happening? That is the obvious question ainit? yeah.. I suppose it is . But somehow I dont feel like answering that right now.
Life is a complex intricacy of webs and mazes that you figure out as you go along. And whilst wondering what it is that got you to jump in the maze in the first place, one word comes to mind. Booyakasha.. Hehe. Been wanting to put that in for sometime now. Strange ainit how a word kinda gets stuck in your head and revolves there, waiting for the prime opportunity where its gonna have the maximum effect. Lol. Words are funny things in their own right. So much you can do with words, so much... *sigh

Feeling lethargic. Stupid lahori weather, i blame it on. now my english is digressin to that of yoda speech. But yoda was this enigmatic figure that kind of got stuck in your heart and no matter what you do, just cant help smiling at him. He's just way too inspirational and cool in his yoda-ish ways.. All the little eccentricities that make him who he was, even though he was just fictional.
Perhaps thats what social interaction is basically. A bunch o people tryin to figure out each other and make some sense of their varied eccentric beliefs, actions and thoughts. A lil queer to imagine it so, but its true. Nobody I know of yet has managed to place all human description in one basket. And certainly not close to capturing the essence of human thought. Every so often, some religious dude who 'modern' scientific thought describes as a schizo threw some philosophy that captured the imagination of the masses and made them zealous enough to follow it for several generations, atleast until the next such figure appeared in their midst. And all the wars that took place were in differences of ideology weren't they. Us vs them. You vs me. Christianity vs Islam. Capitalism vs communism. Liberals vs Conservatives. The whole pot of them roasting slowly on someones grill. The question they should all be askin is instead of pokin others getting roasted, ask who lit the fire under them. Hehe.. This is the philosophy rising out after studyin economics for several hours. But its interesting how an unrelated subject like economics can open doors to philosophy. Perhaps it is such a dry boring field, that the subconscious feels obliged to come up and cast its views on the mind. If only for some contrast. Spice thing up a bit. Sheesh.

Listening to some ATB right now. Fields of Love. Reminds me almost always of a story I'd read by Tolkien. A love story in fact. Of Beren and Luthien. Read it. It should give some basis to people for measuring their affections against true love. All the desperate mofo's who run after girls, thinkin that their problems will end the moment they hook up with someone have it all wrong. Nothing but shallow insecure bastards. If only they knew that they were opening the Pandora's box. Relationships cause more problems than they solve. And really, when it boils down to it, most people are in love with the idea of being love. True love doesn't happen when a beautiful woman passes by. It takes twenty-five years according to my grandfather. Bless him. Wise people take advice, but wisdom is drilled into you when hardships are experienced firsthand. Some pitfalls might be avoided, but the reforged sword is stronger ainit? Holds true for pretty much everything. Faith , Relationships, swords, war experience. Alas. Life is too fast, and everybodys running after somethin they dont got. Only when they get it, they realise they lost what they had started out with.

Bah. Enough of lectures and musings and philosophising. Must return to Economics.

Ode to my beloved

2005-09-11T21:12:00.000+05:00

You and me, we stood across the road,
Our ways were parted,
Yet nonetheless we chose,
To continue what we had started,
In the midst of a fairy tale,
It was too good to be true,
The zephyrs turned into gales,
As we tried to hold on to what we knew,
Alas, the sun got covered by clouds,
And the flowers, they did not bloom,
We shouted out loud,
But the inevitable gloom,
It overtook us too fast, too strong it was,
I knew that I had lost you then,
What was us might never be again,
So broken, I lay in endless shadow,
A tear rolled off my cheek on to the sodden pillow,
Regret or was it self-pity?
That stirred me into action,
For doing nothing about you,
It was not an option.
Thus decided I set out to find you,
Many roads I travelled on my quest for you,
Many shoes I replaced in efforts to discover you,
But you had vanished, or so it seemed,
My face never returned pretty smiles that beamed,
at me, a lover on a journey to discover his beloved,
Hope had vanished over the horizon,
And darkness seemed to surround me, yet it would
never seem as black as the darkness in my heart.
I contemplated what life might be without you,
and each time it moved me to start,
on yet another road that might have led to you,
A decade or so I spent, looking without a clue,
and then I chose to accept what seemed too true,
that you had gone and would never come back,
and I would live a life without telling you I loved you,
But fate is not so merciful,
And when I finally found you,
A black rose was all that I could give you.

2005-09-09T20:06:00.000+05:00

Rain! IT actually rained today. Finally after a blistering summer wave in which college people were lolling about, unable to study, cursing the weather, the pdc food with roaches in it, the lack of good looking freshmen or aptly freshwomen, saddled along with the curse of having to sleep on somebody else's mattress in the common room. Note(Only airconditioned room in the hostels)
So basically the rain that happened took our minds of our problems and it was fun for a while...Everybody was in a good mood, lots of jokes, lots of girls runnin in wet clothes( evil grin), a couple of people fallin in the process amidst other fun and relaxing events such as hangin with the boyz, drinkin tea and eating samosas while cold winds blow and drenched people shiver and the smell of rain pervades all the senses. Ahh...just bootiful...Another brilliant, inspirational memory created, all during the moment of water falling from the sky.

On another note, met some interesting khi'ites this week. Fun people I suppose, if a bit unorthodox, speaking with the LUMS tradition in mind. So hanging with them and finding out that one is a friend of my cousin and the other is the cousin of my friend, which seemed hilarious at about 3am last night, gave me a mild headache today. Laughed too much I suppose. And since they've left, and its back to dealing with the extremely boring everyday individual at LUMS, I think I will go and get some much needed food. stomach growling wildly now.

2005-09-06T00:06:00.000+05:00

I kind of remembered today things from ever so long ago, dim fleeting memories, vague but annoyingly teasing me, bringing back feelings, hopes and dreams and so much more. All the wishes I had when I was a child, the secret longing in my heart, the burning fire of curiosity that of late seems to have lost its edge, the sword of anger having been sheathed etc etc ..
I dont know even why I actually started thinking of such things. Perhaps it was the arrival of the freshmen, innocent faced youngsters, clueless about the perils college is fraught with, hurrying everywhere lost, looking for classes, gettin knocked out of the way by seniors coolly strolling along chuckling at their lack of knowledge. Perhaps it was the fact that I read my salat after a really long time and I thought of God and prayed for a miracle to happen, only it never does, not in ways I could see, but it felt good, and although the smokes have dulled my senses, a fresh breeze caught me unawares, and all I could do was breathe it in and feel good about myself and the world. A tiny moment of pleasure amidst eternities of haste.
And then I felt so old after talkin to one of the freshmen, i'm halfway through college and time being the joker that it is, I know it will fly by too fast, and slows down only when you gotta go to the bathroom and its full and you're standing there hoping God gives the fellow inside an enema and makes him leave quick. Hmmmm... perhaps I took that analogy too far, but its only the first day of college, and the weather's terrible and there were no good looking girls around either to brighten the day.
I need some good ole fashioned shuteye.

2005-08-23T01:47:00.000+05:00

Elfen Lied theme song

"OS IUSTI MEDITABITUR SAPIENTIAM
ET LINGUA EIUS LOQUETUR IUDICIUM
BEATUS VIR QUI SUFFERT TENTATIONEM
QUONIAM CUM PROBATUS FUERIT
ACCIPIET CORONAM VITAE
KYRIE, IGNIS DIVINE, ELEISON
OH QUAM SANCTA
QUAM SERENA
QUAM BENIGNA
QUAM AMOENA
OH CASTITATIS LILIUM"

While watching the series, and listening to this melody, I was deeply moved. It touched something and reignited feelings I never thought I would feel again.

2005-08-22T01:51:00.000+05:00

Dreaming, I was
Somewhere far away,
An ever so relaxing reverie,
fair wind upon a sultry ocean,
my mind in complete
disconnected harmony without,
longing and wishing in
vain fantasy about
myself and some other,
A clue in the clouds,
like an everchanging encryption,
change being a constant
within. Myself, Me, I,
all fluid, enthralled in conscious
and perhaps unconscious
thought, A lonely shepherd
tending wanton emotions,
zephyrs casting them playfully,
Redundancy turning escapes
into the little contrast,
on a blind painters canvas.
Voices, seductively crooning,
an ideal that is simple,
like eating a gourmet meal,
with smoky siestas,
dogging ghostly footfalls.

A

2005-08-02T16:16:00.000+05:00

A blue moon dipped in florescent white,
A dark sky peforated with white specks,
A golden orb suspended in darkness,
A man stands and observes,
A tiny understanding taking hold,
A pain greater than heartbreak ,
A feather heavier than rock,
A smile may be more cruel than anger,
A child more wicked than a murderer,
A pail of water deeper than the ocean,
A human life valued above all others
A mirror more real than the reality it reflects,
A memory of greater import than the present
A beggar worthier than a princess.
A carved statue holding more revernce
A joke sombre than the finest of speeches.

A teeny weeny flicker near the corners of the eyes told him what he needed to know. A wise man once said that in order to look at something on the borders of consciousness, you must look straight ahead and pay no heed to it. Only then can you see what you would otherwise remain blind to. So he locked his eyes on a tree at the edge of the horizon and focused on it. It was a rather strange tree , he thought. It appeared to have been carved out of stone, yet the detail was too perfect, too real. And then the word 'Orthanc' came to his ears. A beautiful voice. Melodious, timeless, sexless. He had his answer.

Vacation

2005-07-24T02:02:00.000+05:00

Vacation. Summer 2005. I really don't think a vacation has been as fast-paced, as short on time and unbelievably tiring as the past month and a half. Sweet holy jesus! talk about 14 hour days, talk about no pay, talk about no sleep, talk about back-breakin hard work, talk about deadlines, talk about gettin ordered around by old farts, talk about sittin in the office without the bijli ad cursin it cuz can't get away and can't work either. Damned be all internships and the stupid people who believe in them..

Its all about pawwa's my man, yeah. that's it. In Paki land, that is the land of the lazy and corrupt, pawwa or no scene. The wheel turns, and those tryin to avoid it instead of clingin on get squashed or splattered.

Excuse the long absence but this is really the first day to myself, or rather the first night when social obligations and work together have given time off. Phew!... Can fully appreciate the shit my dad goes through every day. SHit! Dunno how he do it, but got some newfound respect for the head of the house and all. Just dont wanna be doing this kinda labour, which is human cruelty, when I'm old as he is.
Life plan is somewhat hence
- graduate from college. Get decent job. WOrk. Get all gadgets I like
- Find hot woman. or women if possible.
- Achive fame and fortune
-Retire and enjoy benefits...and watch grandkids playin in the lawn.
yeah..pretty much sums it up dont it.

Gosh. I need tea.

Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time

2005-06-27T14:15:00.000+05:00

Wat ay book! buss yaar...just one of the best pieces of work I've happened to read in a long long time. Just damn brilliant.. The writing style, the imagery, the unusual directness of facts, yet the roundabout story telling fashion, and this is without mentioning what the story is all about . Curiously enough, (pun intended) the tale begins with the murder of a dog and a kid with Asperger's syndrome goes about trying to solve the mystery.

My personal favorite was the description of his world, how so many things that we do are taken for granted, that to anybody who uses logic, most of our actions would seem bloody insane, and its endearing in most unusual of ways, the pure innocence that projects itself from the pages reaches out and you'd have to be a fool not to notice it. Perhaps there exists something like this in all of us, perhaps we choose to overlook the issues we don't really understand deeming them as unimportant, or according ourselves a special status when we really are not much different from others. The deeper twists and hints that riddle the story are too numerous, and its all there if you just want to notice it.

but perhaps there are several many things that do not happen for the one thing that does happen and its a pretty intriguing concept, one that is good to remember and makes life a lot more interesting for somebody like me who gets bored of something very easily. Running after change is stupid, because change happens all the time and it happens to you to. instead of looking outwards for it, simply looking inwards can be enough to take us on an adventure. Space carries an attraction for us, because it is big and vast and unknown, but on the otherhand we still dont know what makes our cells tick. Its just a change of perspective really, but you tell me what's more amazing. Reaching into yourself, or stretching our fingertips to catch the starlight?

All things 'Aam'

2005-06-21T09:18:00.000+05:00

Its that time again man. Hot summers, sweaty summers, icky summers, when you I like I'm just about to turn into a pile of ash in the heat and get blown away in the hot dry wind. My mouth feels so damn dry and my poor throat, abused as it is with all the cigarettes and 'pan' nearly gives up on me every time I try to say something forcefully... Uh uh..Ahem...'*clears throat, phlegmy nasally voice superimposing itself on my usual flat baritone. yuck.

SO this is what summers are nowadays? Wasn't it simply supposed to be a time when school was over and all you had to do was calculate how many mangoes you would eat, in how many forms or with how many people. Summers was mango time, all things good and mangoey, from mango ice cream, to mango milkshakes, to that proverbial heaven of aamrus, which technically looks like a mangoshake but is NOT. Eating aamrus with hot steaming delicious parathas in the morning near the beach with a friend. Brilliant times, memorable times, but alas they aren't so easily obtainable anymore. Why I ask? What's so different from that decade before when the summer vacations were a dream, a heaven, an escape from our lives. I would sit and make plans with my cousins and go out and buy walt disney cartoons, and then sit in front of the tv during hot afternoons and watch, tears streaming down my face at the end of tragic ones, or laughing uncontrollably at Tom 'n Jerry. =D.

Mangofest is a concept developed by me in league with a friend of mine. Its a contest in which two people make a dare to each other. Oh believe you me, its a high stakes game and the loser really does get a raw deal. But let's not get sidetracked.... yes yes... mangofest ...juicy ripe scrumptious mangoes...mangoes... ummm...ooooooooohh.. 'okay..concentrate man.. just goddamn concentrate'... tell the story. Theres a big fat rule book as well, I forgot to mention that. The tons of formalities and preparations that go into this frenzied aam feeding that make it slightly more than a gluttonious experience. Two people formally, key word formally, dare each other to a mangofest. After clearing schedule's for two days, one day to eat, one to recover, a person is sought with a huge supply of sindhri aam. Yes, the nice big yellow tasty ones' which everybody hogs. A selection of the fittest and best candidates is made by mutual consent from the payti (crate), and the opponent hands the mango to his competitor. Then a third party comes and starts off the festival slash contest by saying the sacred words that are in the book of aam. Then the aam eating begins. After that it's pretty much simple if you are an experienced eater. You have a choice of 3 forms in which you can eat mangoes. Cut into small lil cubes, eat it in those suckable, hand dirtying but oh so enjoyable long strips, or as a mangoshake. After each mango the other party inspects it to make sure there has been no cheating, no desecration of the sacred mango through wastage and proper respectful disposal. Of course the end result is who eats the most mangoes in 24 hours. And the next day is spent recuperating for being an overzealous aam worshipper, to the distress of all those around you. I wont mention why. =P.

After you have won, or lost, you must defend you're title or put out a challenge. The book says a mangofest may occur only once a week, preferably when the moon is approaching its full phase, and if possible to have very exoticly beautiful inspiring dancing girls present to keep you're appetite going. If that latter-est is not possible, a reasonable substitute may be made on Tv.

Essential rules have been outlined above. Those wishing to partake may do so without hesitation. Copyright's are available at cybersurfer15@hotmail.com.

*Disclaimer*
The above has been written as an experience I enjoy and have become conditioned to withstand.
For those of faint heart or loose stomachs, I warn you from before, proceed with extreme caution.
Constipation/Diarrahea/Big Bad Stomachache HAZARD ahead.

Lit by the Moon

2005-06-12T01:57:00.000+05:00

The wind ruffles the leaves, caressing them, cajoling them. Mild whirlpools of dust form on the ground in random patterns. Crickets chirp and grasshoppers buzz as the night comes alive. The campus is almost deserted save for the occasional couple walking along holding hands, basking in the glory of the dark.
Not dark per se, but more like a velvet sky studded with diamonds that in turn glow and dim, and lend a sparkling quality to an otherwise cloud filled sky which play with each other, changing shapes, coalescing and disseminating in one movement. There is no sign of the moon, she has drawn her cumulonimbus curtains around her four-poster bed and bid us farewell. Nature has decided that a fitting breeze and starlight is sufficient tonight.
I have walked this path many times before. A slow stroll in the wee hours of the morn. It is calmingly simple, there are no crowds bustling, no cars honking. I have as far as I can see to myself. No other human to ruin the beauty that descends during this time. A cup of tea and smoke, and a longing for this kind of contentment pierces my heart. I am alive and sad, old and young, uplifted and tired all at the same time. My mind slumbers and my heart embraces all that which is before me. I meld with it, I become one with it, I think naught save for what the mind uses in walking and breathing and watching. A spirit more free or harmonious than now is inconceivable.
Arrogance crumbles as realisation descends of my insignificance in the greater picture. A drop in the ocean or a grain of sand on the shores of the universe. The nights of majesty are even more unique in that they fill me up with a dread that everyday life hides and with it a love that springs up from a well gone dry. Memories burst forth through barriers, time comes to a standstill as the flood continues unabated. Life flashing before my eyes, no, nothing that dramatic, but all the same, moments upon which my life has been determined perform a slideshow in my mind. A light comes on somewhere in the dark, but is gone as quickly as a camera flash, the residual image forming echoes of itself on the canvas in my head. Making sense of those images seems to consume me like trying to make a sculpture out of gelatin.
Deep inhales, a bout of coughing jog me to my present state. I continue my rambling walk, a smile escaping my lips.

The ignorance = bliss equation

2005-05-25T12:06:00.000+05:00

I don't really know why I'm writing this, but it just feels appropriate after the direction my thoughts have taken over the past few days. Is it a sin to think too much? Is it a curse when you know things about people that you don't really want to know but end up knowing anyways? Is it wrong to be interested in helping other people solve their problems? I don't think so, but it seems that that's the way it is.

When you know too much, you get a different perspective on things, and when you do, you really cannot go back and forget it, or pretend you didn't know at all. It changes that entire thing known as an outlook/understanding. That most fundamental of questions and the most recurring of them as well, the two words Why Me ?!?!? keeps revolving around in my head. Why did i bother with finding out that thing, why did I take such a deep interest in somebody, why did I waste my time over this, and why why why why.....

Coming back to the subject, I find that people who don't really care what others do, people who shield themselves or perhaps live in denial or atleast pretend all of the above seem to have it good. I mean they appear happy. Maybe its an act, or maybe it's true, but if it works for them then why cannot I do the same?After being an accomplished cynic for a long time, and finding that involving or abstaining from hedonistic activities does not grant me much relief, I realise that its futile to seek the answer to questions that are life - shaking. Not because I don't want to, but more to the point, I don't want my life shaken up. I don't want to see the truth of the world, not anymore, not after experiencing the troubles that lie on the path to it. I've missed out on so many things because I have searched for that greater truth that will grant me an understanding of what this entire game is all about, but now I realised, that maybe I don't want to look at that thing. That I dont want to find out the truth because I won't like it. That if I can blissfully live out my life being ignorant of what others do, then so be it. If living a lie is what it takes to be happy and content, to let myself believe what I know isn't really so, but it works at keeping me sane and happy instead of depressed, then so be it. It's not healthy being the pessimist. It changes you fundamentally, changes a part of you so deep inside you don't realise it, until everything you look at, its with disdain, contempt and a smirk. The grass don't seem green no more. The breeze is polluted and everyday a drag. Even the food has a metallic taste and there is no inspiration anywhere at all.

I long for the time when life was simple, when I knew what was good and evil, when the contrast was clear and all my problems were in focus.

2005-05-18T14:13:00.000+05:00

I wouldn't call it time well spent,
Feeding to myself again,
Find comfort in an endless stream of movement....
I dont even care......
About the way I feel today,
Cause it changes anyways,
Something will make me cry or smile,
Another picture on the pile......

And now I'm standing close to you,
Its just something that I do,
and I need love to be enough,
I wish love could be enough...
There is nothing more appealing,
than the thought that I could feel,
Enough......Love..........

Do you find sorrows in the sun,
Do you consider life as gunned,
Do you believe that there's a limit to how fast a man can run
Someone set you're borderline,
Well, I dont feel that I'm alive,
I don't feel that I'm alive........ alive.............

Some lyrics from one of my favorite songs,
'Close to you' by Dj Tiesto.

Hope

2005-05-07T17:38:00.000+05:00

Depthless surmising, narcotics stimulating,
My life, a wine poured into a druggie's mouth,
Who am I, What am I, Why am I?
Questions surging like roiling tidal waves,
The wind, it agitates my soul.
Black ink draws me into a vortex of wondering.
Knowledge, it confuses me with answers,
and lovely ignorance provides bliss no longer,
The tinted window I look through yields
me no shelter.
A singing voice amazes me in its simplicity,
the hope of a beautiful soul on this ravaged planet.
Hearts lie withered on soil caked with blood as the
Undulating grassland sheds tears in dew-drops.
A solitary figure working at a keyboard,
realises the futility of his actions,
as a lone tree trying to count stars in the sky.
Hope? What is that?
Is my dreaming in vain? or an echo of my childish pain.
Sepulchre's and tombstones grow increasingly,
Innocence, it gave up a long time ago, its war.
Alone, the thought drives me mad,
in the end we are nothing but ourselves,
insignificant, unimportant, selfish, egotistical, matlabi.
Love is nowhere to be found,
a fanciful facade of a broken man, wrapped in his cobweb
of wishes.

Mundane Machiavellian Mysteries

2005-05-03T10:16:00.000+05:00

I dont know how people do it, live with their parents that is. Its really insane you know. Theres always something that you haven't done, or if you have done it, it hasn't been done good enough and no matter how hard you try whatever you do, it just isn't enough to match up to their expectations. How to deal with them, or more precisely how to stay under their radar, there's another question that has no answer. It's a mystery unto itself. Something so commonplace, so trivial yet it haunts you and never lets you go, like a shadow always lurking about you, reminding you that you are being watched, that somewhere someone is looking at you and all too ready to point that finger and say you're guilty. The lucky ones have nice parents who are supportive, considerate and always behind them encouraging them, helping them and basically making life worth living. For the rest of us, and I include myself in this latter category, its very very different. We all got somebody we know who's been the brainchild, the prodigy who has surpassed everybody else and is the glory and pride of the family. Unfortunately, more than their relatives who must live with the shame of being related to them, it is the offspring of these over-achieving, over-efficient pieces of machinery who have the hardest time. Unless they surpass their parents at something, and for many this isn't an easy task, they are never good enough. Looked at as failures, as blemishes upon the family name, these people have to live with ignominy, inferiority complexes and a general all round feeling of being inadequate. But how to deal with such problems is an answer no psychologist or textbook or friend can give. Simply working harder, being better and achieving the same status as that of your parents doesn't work for me. I mean there's gotta be more to life than living simply to please those who gave birth to you. Don't get me wrong though, I love my parents and all, and I'd take a bullet for them anyday, but sometimes they can drive me up the wall. Im sure many can relate to this.Constantly living under the shadow of your parents success, of knowing that you are not good enough, the look in their eyes that tears you up, rips apart all that carefully constructed armor you've built to save you from the evil going around in this life, and hits you right where it hurts you most. That you've somehow let down the people you love. I don't know, maybe I'm just talking off the top of my head, or perhaps I've just gone bonkers, but the simple fact remains that I'm fairly sure that I'm in touch with my inner feelings, and the emotions that rage inside me when my parents give me that look, hurts. Deep inside your gut is twisted, your heart feels wrung out and set to dry on a clothesline, and your spine turns almost, but not quite into a shape I wouldn't care to describe. Living alone makes you realise that the world is not full of candies and bon-bons, that at some point you will be at this stage, alone, with no one to care for you, or ask about you or basically give a rat's ass about what you do. To them its all the same. Even friends whom u might think have got your back, dont really, they are just there, people like you, putting their backs against a tree, if only because they know that their aren't spikes protruding which would stab them in the back. Yeah, I know i'm sounding like a pissed off guy, but what the heck, better pissed off on the exterior than raging and rotting inside. The next wonderful phase of this plan is emotionally detaching you'rself from all that might even remotely hurt you. Keep it all at a distance. I dont know, maybe we all should stay away from each other, because despite our best intentions, we somehow hurt the others that we love and wish to protect. Its another mystery, one that seems so sinister in nature. How do good feelings and acts end up hurting people? Why is it so? Why cannot it be simply that we are all here for a short time and in that short time do as much good as we can. ' what goes around comes around ' and ' do unto others what you would have done unto you ' are sayings that make a lot of sense, and have profound depths attached to them, alas, if only we could stop and think and pay attention, but it doesn't seem like its gonna happen anytime soon. The world is a shitty place full of shitty people who are bent on doing shitty things so that they can make others feel shit, and somehow keep themselves from looking in the mirror and discovering how full of shit they are. Well, it just goes to show eh, that once you'r caught in the loop, there's literally no escaping the damn thing. On and on it goes, endlessly it churns, and eternally it tortures. But I guess that's the way life is and what can one do but hope to get by without too many injuries and broken hearts. Think on it.

Depths of Intelligence

2005-04-27T21:02:00.001+05:00

How does one judge intelligence? I mean its not an easily quantifiable thing, and in my opinion IQ and EQ aren't sufficient measures to cover it either. Think about it, when you meet someone for the first time, how do you judge them? What defines your first impression of them? Is it their appearance, the ease with which they socialise, their family background, their religion, the way in which they talk, their academic performance? Personally I think we judge everybody at some level through all these categories, but the one that leaves the most indelible mark on us, is how they managed to interact with us. If you thought that they could not percieve what you were trying to say, you might think them slow, and if they caught on rather quickly you'd think they were pretty smart. I guess its just how we connect to each other on any one of a number of planes that defines how we judge their intelligence. Oh, and did I mention that it's all relative. We instinctively don't like the idea that we aren't the brightest person in the group. So most of us hesitate in admitting that there indeed may be someone who is more intelligent, and we dont mind telling ourselves that we are at their level, just for our own peace of mind, so we dont fall into the self-perpetuating trap of an inferiority complex.
Coming back to the subject of intelligence though, its a funny thing, because sometimes that old phrase seems all too true. You know the one, 'The eyes are windows to the depths of the soul' . Well, if you haven't heard of it, then just accept it and move on. Many a time it seems that the eyes portray the level of intelligence a person has. I mean there are some people who have dull eyes, kuch kay glazed over hain, others have languid eyes, then there are those with a sharp glint in them, others with quick movements and still others whose eyes seem depthless. Its actually unnerving at times when you see somebody from afar, or you talk to them without paying attention and you think that what they utter is pure rubbish, but when you look in their eyes, you see something which you can't really describe. The only way I know of putting it in words is that something lurks beneath the surface, latent, hidden, biding its time. And suddenly a jolt of understanding courses through you, as you realise that this individual has a completely different side to them. That there is an entirely different mind inside that head than the one we judge from their words. Then comes the knowledge that they may be thinking a very different thought than what they are saying, like their mind is a multi-tasking at a furious pace, working in two streams simultaneously, and you grudgingly admit to yourself that this person is intelligent.

Emotionally Detached

2005-04-15T23:14:00.000+05:00

Fuck off. I dont want to see your face.
Alright fine, whatever. I didn't do anything. Quit being so paranoid!.
You're just another selfish pompous half-assed prick living with his head in the clouds. Dont call me, or mail me. I'm just plain sick of all this hypocrisy. You let me down, and I will never forgive you.
She stormed out of the house and out of his life. Should he run after her? Beg her forgiveness? He didn't know, and was not surprised to find out that he didn't care. It wasn't the first time and he knew it probably wouldn't be the last.
He felt nothing for her, not even after they had lived together for three fucking years. Shit, had it really been that long? How come he didn't remember anything?
He lit a cigarette, taking a deep drag, his thoughts moving slowly in the hot summer afternoon. When did he stop caring about her? Did he care when they moved in, or was he just playing along back then as well, doing whatever it took to keep her happy. A long time ago he believed that her happiness was his as well, that as long as they were together, he could lose himself in her, forget about the world and his troubles. but time had proved it was not so. Why? He didn't know. A smirk creased his face as he accepted the fact that he didn't care.
The ash fell on the carpet, adding to the small pile that was growing there. In his languid state, he observed the smallest of details in the world. A fly buzzing around in the living room, a sheaf of papers rustling on the desk, the sound of the wind as it played on the leaves outside the window. The apartment showed no traces of the second occupant. It was like she hadn't been there at all. The fly landed on the newly formed pile of ash, only to zip away again as the butt fell from lifeless fingers and sparked on the floor.

A story retold.

2005-03-27T00:49:00.000+05:00

Eons ago, Adam and Eve sat upon a grassy knoll in heaven. There was an uncomfortable silence between them and neither had the courage to look the other in the eye.
There was a new feeling in their heart, one they were unfamiliar with. She had heard about a tree filled with wonderous fruit. A tree forbidden to all. When she had told Adam they had a fight. It was altogether new for them. Until yesterday they had lived in perfect unison. Now, there was a gap between them. Unsure of what to do, or whom to ask, and fearful of asking God, they sat in silence, thinking, wondering.

What's the problem?
Nothing he replied, shrugging his shoulders, eyes looking every which way but at her.
Look at me.
No.
Why not? He remained quiet.
Dont worry. I have it all figured out she reassured him. No one will ever know.
Know what? his tone biting.
Flinching she drew back. Wasn't she the only one of his kind? There were no others whom she....she what? and a new word sprang into existence, defining a feeling to be passed down for all eternity. There was nobody else whom she trusted.
I brought you something.
Not hungry.
Oh comeon. It was quite alot of trouble getting it.
Oh alright, he said, understanding that it was a peace offering.
She placed a ball of leaves in his hand. Eat it. Its heavenly(pun intended).
He smiled, his eyes telling her that she was forgiven.
Eve stood up and walked a few steps, stretching her arms as she did, the light fully complementing her figure.
His eyes never looked away, and it wasn't until an angry voice thundered overhead did he realise his mistake.

5 meters

2005-03-11T21:51:00.000+05:00

Seek the treasure beneath the stars
The road to it lies close to the heart
Upon the statue of a king in pemberley
In myriad plantations of gold earth
Copernicus earned his worth there
But Newton became its fountainhead
The idle chatter will fill with purpose
A thorn rose lies in its midst
Crosses of divine apotheotic discourse
Land and water were once one
Behold nature in its maiden womb
Embrace, and the answer will find you

Clinging to God

2005-02-23T18:53:00.000+05:00

He shaped the world in 7 days,
He breathed life into each
and everyone of us,
He moves the universe with
but a thought,
He grows the seed,
and summons the rain.
All present, All seeing, All powerful.
It is He to whom we pray,
to whom we go when refuge eludes.
to Him, our hearts cry out,
for Him, our soul seeks eternally.
yet where may we find Him?
A known and unknown answer exists.
Nourishing our innate,
Nurturing our tangible selves,
He is the gardener of our life,
The caretaker of our spirits,
The wine stimulating within.
Nothing lives but for He,
Everything worships naught but He,
Search me out He commands,
and eternal is our effort.
the road lies thin and winding,
covered by many veils,
we sacrifice our limbs and lives,
for the God of ourselves.
No price is too great,
no deed too glorious for He,
the carpenter of all,
that is, was or will ever be.

Dilemma

2005-02-18T19:18:00.000+05:00

Lately i've come to realise that I have a 'dark' nature, via my friends. I have also been accused of playing mind games with the ladies. Now, you all might expect me to say something along the lines of ' how utterly preposterous' or something to that effect, but I did not. I wasn't even indignant about it. I mean, after all, if I am thought of as the 'dark' and possibly 'mysterious' and even stretching the realms of imagination to 'maker of psychological warfare' upon the other sex, there must be some basis to this.

What could it possibly be about me? Is it a glint in the eye, a surreptitious searching glance cast towards unsuspecting girls, or could it possibly be that something that makes individuals unique? I am pretty clueless about this entire affair. I feel like saying something profound..........hmm.........but, nothing comes to mind. Sigh....

Friends warn me from beforehand not to 'hit' on their friends. For Christ's sake man, don't liken me to some frustrated individual from the northern reaches of the country. Now that's insulting! What an absurd idea.
However, the fact remains that there must be something in my speech or actions that causes this effect on the opposite gender. If so, I must develop it further. It could prove very valuable when I would need to sway somebody to my line of thinking, or get them to do my bidding.

Beware of the enchanting,
Suspicion is friendly,
Trust is a slippery stream,
and the enemy of my enemy is my friend.

DDD

2005-02-11T03:32:00.000+05:00

White walls surround,
UV light kills the shadows
He lies there musing,
Wondering how to end the pain,
Knowing the beginning
But losing the ending,
Swallowing pellets of restorative,
All the while knowing
The facade's pure intransigence.
He lies there doubting,
Whilst figures swathed in white,
Hustle and bustle,
Uncaring, unfeeling he enters
a deep, dark brooding soliloquy
Why bother he thinks,
Its all an exercise in futility.
Plagued by an eternal series
Of diseases and disorders
He lies there wondering
Was it his pride that got him,
Or was it his stern platitudes,
Maybe he pushed his friends too far,
Or maybe he didnt let them in,
What feared he, he thought in dismay?
Why did he shut the doors to his heart
And throw away the key?
Which devils haunted him and
Why did he listen?
Not knowing the answers perturbed him.
He lay there in his quandary, fishing for truth.
Deciding he would take the second chance
That life had granted him and
Smile back at lady luck.

The love of a child

2005-02-04T23:55:00.000+05:00

Whither thou goest lil one?
Have you no guide?
or are you to arrogant
to be one by my side?

Where dost thou live now lil one?
Is it a place distant and afar?
Times cannot be more cruel
but alive and well I hope you are.

What thought creases thy brow lil one?
Hath love broken your heart?
or have the sins caught up
silencing the joy with pain in life's cart.

How dost thou not age lil one?
Is it a fountain of youth you have found?
or have u made a pact with God,
rejecting death and hell's fiery hound.

May I sit with you lil one?
and share your hopes and dreams?
or am I too old to be a part
of a fantasy filled with bon-bons and ice-creams.

Wonder not at my tears lil one.
With me you too may cry,
Just remember that in life,
One's pain never dries.

Generation unsubdued

2005-02-01T17:58:00.000+05:00

I am from a generation of people who are lost. We don't know where it is that we are going. Our culture has become melded with the world's. More and more it seems that we have lost touch with the not-so-long ago time of our parents. Our morality is different from theirs, perhaps because of the events we are witnessing everyday or possibly because as we seek and strive for a better understanding of the world, we realise that we are just part of a whole and relatively insignificant in the big picture. Ignorance was bliss, but ignorance alone cannot save us now. The introverted aspect of our personality is slowly being driven out due to the rapid nature of the lives we lead. Hasn't anybody noticed that we barely seem to get time to ourselves. As societies open up, and old barriers are broken down, as media infusion turns us into a globalised people, we lose our personal identity, maybe never completely but sufficiently to lose those intrinsic values passed down to us. They colour our thoughts from time to time and the occasional moments of insight they grant us seem miraculous. But something comes along and we move on, the experience turning into a vague memory.
Why is it that as we grow older and more mature, we lose control of our lives to an ever greater extent. We start ascribing lesser significance to things that we know to be right, and seem to be in an eternal search for something, only God knows what it might be.
Religion for many of us seems a vague obligation that we have to fulfill, and we look distastefully upon those who take it seriously. In times of need we are quick to turn to God, but in other times when we are relatively content we just as quickly forget Him. True content seems to evade us, and to fill this vacuum many of us turn to the distractions that are lined up everywhere.
An ideology, unspoken but nevertheless present seems to influence us. It guides our thoughts and desires and crafts our actions. You can probably guess what I'm talking about, it is the silent presence at the back of our conscious mind. Never noticed because all hours of our day seem to be filled up with things to do. There is no time to sit and think things over. Impulsiveness is a trait found increasingly in actions of the many.
I refuse to believe that I am one of those who sit and think too much, or that I'm the only one who thinks this way. It surely can't be true that people don't realise this change that is occuring. We have lost our inhibitions, we have lost our roots, we wander in a fog that grows ever thicker the more we traverse through it and yet we seem content to live day after day like this, conscious but uncaring or more to the mark, aware yet wilfully ignoring. The world I percieve is turning to a more frightening place. Yet how can we realise the truth? How may we return to the decent folks that we were? Where does the endless scheming and plotting come to a stop? The lesson God has in store for us is a thought which sends chills down my spine, and causes me to break out into a cold sweat.

living in a phantasmagorical reality
polemical whispers everywhere
striving for an apotheosis of idealism
we curvett in an endless dance.

2005-01-23T02:13:00.000+05:00

A tiny feeling springs up in the heart. It's there, making itself felt in a thousand obscure ways. Multi-coloured pinpricks of light at the edge of the eyesight. When you look at it, it moves away, just out of reach. But you're content to let it stay there. Sometimes not knowing everything provides a relish. Not having the answers to questions is better than having them. Escaping to an imaginary world to obtain ecstasy, momentary yet eternal in its completeness seems more akin to life. Lull the intellectual inside to sleep every once in a while, and simply watch a sunset. Extinguish the furnace of knowledge and drift on a calm tropical sea. Let the mountain winds revive the soul and embrace it while it soars with the eagles up high.
Disconnect the chains that bind and experience life anew, as painting one picture upon another lends the appearance of depth.

2005-01-20T14:52:00.000+05:00

It's nearing the end of January in my 21st year, and I'm sitting in front of a decrepit pc, which is undergoing immense strain to perform it's designated functions. The simple joy of being able to look out the window, tea in one hand, a cigarette in the other, with some soft u2 playing in the background fills up the conscious at this particular moment. Soul resting in a rare tranquil state observes itself in greater contrast, and I wonder where the timelessness of youth disappeared to.
As I flick the ash into the tray, I stare at the cigarette in my hand, seemingly for the first time. And somehow it seems to represent the epitome of the change that overcomes people between childhood, adolescence and adulthood. The child wished to become an adult quicker, and when his is wish is granted some 15 odd years later, he wishes he could reside eternally in carefree youth. This is all very good, but I ponder in profound thought at the loss of memory. Childhood I remember quite clearly. The last couple of years as well. The teenage years seem to have gone by in a flash. Images come in a broken and incoherent train of thought. Fleeting memories are all that's left of 6 years of my life. A frightening realisation strikes me. The understanding of that old man's phrase 'time waits for no man'. Life flows on in an endless composition. Bits and pieces keep getting added. Many are deleted. A desire to leave a mark of my existence springs up in my heart. I feel a rebellious urge to defy this ' time ' and somehow prevent my erasure from history. But as quick as that developed, it dissipates and I'm my old lazy cynical self again.
I guess what really matters at the end of the day, is not how much money you have, or how many things you created but only the number of people who will remember you when you're gone. You will continue to reside in their hearts, and although their memories will fade as well, someone else will carry them and you, on and on till the end of time, when naught matters anymore.

Desperation defined

2005-01-15T17:33:00.000+05:00

Its come to my attention, and nearly everything does when keeping a roving an eye on my flock as it were, that at my college sexual desparation is a powerful force.
Alright, perhaps it's going a tad too far when I say desparation, but there come certain times when the word compels usage. You know there's something going on when the friends are performing the courtship and joining up like a pair of parakeets in mid-spring (which btw is mating season). Unless you're insanely drunk or stoned to kingdom come, you'd never miss something like this. I'd say these poor kids have succumbed. Everybody realises they need to 'do the do', or they'll miss the essence of college. It's closer to not having and self-respect and definitely in the territory of losing respect that others have(had) for you. Past that even.
How frustrated/desperate must one be in order to behave the way these immature souls have been acting? Self-control is an admirable trait, and it is universally agreed that it should be inculcated at some point into the character. But going wild, for the sake of going wild, to imaginarily prove a point to nobody is pathetic really. Its lousy. Mental deterioration of this sort gives me the shudders. It's a curse to be part of this pack of love doves. Perhaps a crude description on my part but its too good a chance to pass up the description.
Sexual desperation was it? Yes. I believe so. Falling to the floor in a mock faint, or descending into giggling schoolgirls at the idea of a date at this age does take the cherry out of the pudding. Going all out for a person who expressed the slightest interest, or agreeing to going out with the first girl who asks... What was that? Yes, that's right. The GIRL asked. These lads of 21 don't have the courage to do the asking. Quite cowardly and more than a little lacking in masculinity. Perhaps a healthy dose of testosterone to their heads would fix it.
Alright. Being a bit harsh is in my nature when talking about people deficient in common sense, but so be it. One is too blinded to know that the girl is using him for all he's worth. The second is a wee bit of an idiot, since all he can think about is making out. The others aren't deserving of mention, being but followers of trends set by the former. Their first heartaches will be mildly entertaining, to be kind to them.
So I've never been intimately involved with somebody, but then again, if it means becoming anything like this, I look up and thank the Lord that I'm still sane.

Lucid Dreams

2005-01-12T14:59:00.000+05:00

Well, I first came to know about lucid dreams when I saw vanilla sky. Yes, you're probably wondering why somebody like me was watching a faggy movie like that, but I'll just call it boredom and let's move on with it, shall we. The very next day, we began talking about deja vu's and lucid dreams in my psyc class, and then I even had one of 'em, so I guess I've gotten all the signals that I should blog it.

A lucid dream by definition is a dream that you can control. Consciously or unconsciously, with the latter being more prominent, you construct an experience, all the while not knowing that you are indeed the author of your own drama.

Now lucid dreams are kinda cool, and everybody experiences them in one way or another. They don't really know or understand what it is that happened, but it does have a profound-ish effect on them. It changes you in some vague way, you can't really put a finger on it, but you know that lil 'ole something's different now. It is described as integration of neural activity, which in other words is synapses firing in you're brain, and assembling you're experiences into a more coherent form. It's rather useless since you don't remember very much of it, except when you have a deja vu, but then I suppose that's where that special different profound effect is generated.

Lucid dreams aren't necessarily when you're asleep, rather they can even occur when you're awake, and guys, it's okay to daydream. It's a preset the mind has, to prevent overload, and to enable you to regain concentration. You can't keep absorbing information all the time, you need some distraction before your biological cache can clear out. So your body forces you to daydream. Give this explanation next time your professor tries to sound you for your 'lack of attentiveness'. Its saved me a few times. :P

With all this you're starting to get bored because suddenly the private domain of dreams, of the uniqueness you possess therein is explained by a few biological processes, and a couple of rational down-to-earth hypotheses. Not very flattering is it. But there is something curious to lucid dreams. Something that is not explained by these men in white coats, or men with writing pads and expensive pens humming and hooing whilst you lie in their territory on a leather couch. How is it that many times after a lucid dream you are able to know things that you could not possibly have known before. It surely isn't possible is it? To know the unknown and unfamiliar. Sure, you may not remember it on waking, but you surely do recognize it as familiar when you percieve it. How does this happen? More importantly why? Is it a form of communication? Or is it something else altogether. Its another one of 'those' things, stuff we don't really know about, stuff that people either shield their eyes from, or conjecture about. But you gotta admit, it's pretty darn interesting ain't it?

Her

2005-01-09T18:58:00.000+05:00

There she was. The girl of my dreams. I knew naught about her, except that she was the epitome of everything one desires in a woman. Her hair, black as jet, fell in soft curls down to her shoulders. Their very luster created an aura of enchantment about her. The eyes were like the stars at night, twinkling merrily when she laughed or even when the merest of smiles graced her face. Her countenance I cannot even begin to describe, so flawless I perceived it to be. Words escaped me. A fleeting image of a mythical Grecian goddess raced through my head. Her every movement bespoke a natural elegance. So perfectly did she carry herself. She passed by me. Her fragrance brought images of an angelic sweetness, a meadow of flowers in high summer and perhaps more importantly, a vague mist-enshrouded picture of her personality. It seemed impossible that such a person should exist.
Mesmerized, I watched as she stood amongst her friends. A dove amongst ravens she seemed. The voice, carried to me by a gentle breeze had a musical lilt to it. I stood silently, not wanting this moment to end, yet knowing that soon I would wake up, and she would be just that, a thing of dreams. But this time, I did not wake up. I realized I had stopped breathing. With great effort I maintained my composure. Till this point the meaning of going weak at the knees was not clear to me. I wished with all my heart that she would turn and look at me. And since fantasies are in the realm of dreams, they are to an extent, controllable. No sooner had I thought of it, it happened. She turned around, slowly. Her eyes, reflecting some emotion I could not fathom, connected with mine. She stopped smiling. And the loss of that made it feel as if clouds had obscured the sun. The lips parted ever so slightly, yet I distinctly heard my name. I was drawn forward, slowly but inexorably. I felt crooked and disheveled in comparison to her, like a goblin or troll would, were they to gaze at the beauty of some elven princess. Lightening seemed to crackle in the very air. The tension that I felt was almost palpable. I neared her. Everybody around us had stopped. I could feel their gaze riveted upon me, as they watched this real life drama unfold. Yet all this knowledge was secondary, it was subconscious awareness. The sole object of my attention stood not ten feet away from me, but the distance seemed more like a hundred. Gradually I drew near. She spoke my name yet again, and I was suddenly reminded of wind chimes at my farm, hanging outside the porch, delighting anybody close enough to hear them with their pure melody.
I felt both hot and cold, excited yet nervous as I wondered what would happen. Was I to be rebuked by her, or was I to be the recipient of some token of affection. Hitherto, I had never spoken to her, nor stood in her immediate presence, and at the back of my mind I wondered how it was that she knew my name. About five feet away, I stopped. My legs simply would not obey the command to move. She lifted her hand, gesturing to come closer. I felt that my heart was in her hands, and with but a twist, she could easily snap me in two. I opened my mouth to speak, but no sound would come out. I closed it quickly for fear that I would appear a goldfish, too stunned for words, just capable of soundlessly opening and closing its mouth. I tried to look away from her, anywhere would be alright, but those soft yet intense brown eyes would not let me look away. They held my gaze firmly, and try as I might I could not read even a flicker of emotion in them. Several long moments passed. It was eerie. Two people standing facing each other, whilst all around them everybody else had stopped moving, and stone like were staring at the strange couple in their midst.
Thought after thought raced through my mind, as I searched for reason after reason why her response would be so. Finally, I hit upon it. She was offended, yet flattered. She could understand why a boy three years her junior would be attracted to her, but she could not understand why he did not let go of her and look elsewhere. After all, she was engaged and nearly married. She was resentful because she thought I was infatuated with her despite knowing her status.
No sooner had I deciphered her feelings than the spell that was over me broke. Suddenly I had control over myself again, the sun seemed brighter and the birdsong being sung by the canary in the tree came back into perception. I let the boyish me fall away, letting my eyes revert to their usual poker form. The sudden change in manner appeared to startle her somewhat, and she became slightly unsure of herself. I regained control of the situation somewhat, and proceeded to consolidate it by saying, yes, how can I help you, in a most urbane manner. She came closer to me, and the sudden rush of her scent nearly knocked me off my feet. Up close, I could not help but admire her beauty, and the armor I had constructed began to wither. It was a battle of the heart versus the mind. How I did it, I do not know, but I managed to stay aloof and reserved for the remainder of our conversation.
I managed to make the impression on her that I was indeed more mature than I at first seemed, and that I did find her attractive, but that was because I sensed she was different from the other girls in some obscure, unidentifiable way. To me, apart from being really beautiful, she was also special, someone who I held in high esteem, having been around her sufficiently to have realised that. It wasn’t only who she was, rather the way in which she did things, small differences here and there, like the way carried herself, or simply the way she was, which put her head and shoulders above the rest in my eyes.
I was silent yet she appeared to know my inmost thoughts. She shook her head, and tried to explain to some degree, her feelings. She advised me to forget about her, she was three years older to begin with, secondly she would be moving away soon and thirdly she would be getting married. There could be nothing between us, ever, not platonic or otherwise and the sooner I understood that, the better she would feel and the better off I would be.
Knowing what she said was true, yet wishing it was not, I felt suspended in a reality which was either all too real or too fantastical. There was more to it, but I awoke suddenly and the rest of the dream was lost to the place where all dreams vanish to.

Aggressive pyschology

2005-01-07T18:32:00.000+05:00

Pyschologists can at time's probably be the most frustrating people you ever met. But then there are times when they can be good friends. Due to the nature of the Doctor-patient relationship, one is able to confide in them, and not be afraid that they will disclose this information to anybody. This trust will become the bond for friendship. Indeed, having someone who can listen to you're innermost thoughts without prejudice can be quite useful.

Whilst undergoing treatment, you tend to pick up things from the doctor. Since all that you do in the office is talk, you start noticing the methodology by which you are being processed. It's a bit irksome, until you use it, and realise that it's the easiest way in the world to get the person to do you're bidding. By keeping a notepad and a pen handy, the 'shrink' manages to instil the idea of a constant test in you're mind. So naturally if there is an exogenous purpose to you're visit or that you need the certification for being 'sound in mind', you tend to cooperate and be on you're best behaviour.

But this is only the beginning essentials of psychology. The science of the mind has many vast and varied uses, most of them being applied by those who know them, against you. I call this use of psychological power for you're own benefit as aggressive psychology. Take a minute to consider this carefully. Have you ever been in an argument with anybody and lost? It doesn't feel very good does it? Of course it doesn't. However, when you win, you influence the other person, besides getting that smug feeling of superiority. Now imagine if there was a way for you to become a puppet master. Using the strings of knowledge provided by psychology to get people to do your bidding. Sometimes it can be so complex that by letting the other person think that they know what you're doing, you get them to do exactly what you want. Interesting isnt it. Control people by a tool so common, that they don't even know they're being used. Language has a power, and by using it effectively, well, let's just say the world becomes your oyster.

Just some food for thought. When you're sitting in on Friday evening, down with the flu, coughing up great gobs of you know what and have nothing better to do.

From the shadows

2005-01-03T18:01:00.000+05:00

Standing in the shadows of her life,
Observer from near and afar,
Watching as she sang,
as she played,
as she smiled,
Every action engraved.
Feeling uplifted,
feeling downtrodden,
moved by the lilted music.
A phantom ever on the shoulder.
Behind a black-tinted window,
on the far side of the moon,
separated by clear glass.
Dead and alive at once,
estranged and embraced together,
drifting steadfastly with each other.
Her voice comes through the gloom
I hear and obey,
reaching for that intangible being,
grasping at empyrean voices,
Striving to connect with her supernal self.
Knowing my efforts will be nugatory,
yet persisting beyond belief,
hoping against hope,
Unaccepting of the truth.

Paralysing Restlessness

2004-12-31T22:15:00.000+05:00

Restlessly, I walk through the park.
It is the midnight hour.
Lost in my own reverie
Conscious and unconscious
Seemingly dead to the world.
A shadow in the moonlight.
The stars throw a shimmering velvet veil,
A cloud darkens the silvery orb.
Nocturnal creature's abound.
Eyes stare at me, wonderingly.
Accusing me of trespassing their domain.
The loss, a vacuum.
The love, a ghost.
The friendship, a memory.
My thoughts a turmoil.
Restlessly, trying to benumb myself,
I walk on.
Sleep eludes me,
Hunger forgets me,
Weariness embraces me,
Lost have I become.
A hoarse cry, deep with despair rakes the silence,
Echoes throught the park,
Frightening the consciousnesses around me.
Alone again, my solitude continues,
As I tread through the endless night of my life.
Heart-wrenchingly beautiful was she,
Angelic whilst asleep, divine in waking.
But to remember is to know pain.
To drown in alcohol is to betray.
Its is Sweet torture
A Honey with bitter aftertastes.

New Year Blues

2004-12-29T21:34:00.000+05:00

New year's approaches. It's that time of the year again. Everybody makes plans for fun. It's kinda creepy. All these happy people who expect something better from a tomorrow that in no way is different from every other tomorrow.
Okay, big deal, the digits on our calendar are going to move forward by one. Yeah. Just one, and the entire human race thinks it's cause for celebration. Really. There really isn't much to use to describe such behaviour. Everybody indulges in it. People make new year's pledges, plan their entire year out. I mean why must the seething mass of humanity wait for new year to change. If they want to change, they should. 'Tomorrow never comes' holds true as well today as it did a thousand years ago.
The only cause worth celebrating is that we haven't wiped ourselves out yet. I mean we're lucky, what with wars being waged for the sake of one human being(reference to Osama for those who don't know), a war on terrorism(get real Mr. President), and nuclear competition.
Perhaps I'm just a big 'ole pessimist, or maybe i'm bored as hell and don't have anything fun to do or maybe I just like complaining about everybody else.
But we are who we are, and we do what what we do.

On that note, I will observe new year's very closely. Maybe there is something there after all. A cup of tea in one hand and a cigarette in the other should allow some insight. Perhaps it's a fairy tale we all like to believe in, like Santa or the Easter Bunny. Hoping against hope that a wish we made as a child would come true, that our fantasies would spin a world where we could be truly happy...

2004-12-25T14:54:00.000+05:00

Life. A proverbial grandeur that resonates with the the immutable sounds of the universe. It leads you somewhere new everday, yet always to a place which is ever so familiar. An experience that is a distant relation to what shrinks call lucid hallucinations aka deja vu's.

But that's not as important. What's really important is the realisation of drifting, at a steadily increasing pace though the myriad crossroads of choices that line the causeways of you're life. If you give me a moment, let me try and explain why I use metaphorical vagary's. Indeed, why many authors who extensively propound on deep and often philosophical wandering's use such far-reaching and uncommon analogies for description.

Profoundness can only be understood, if mystical or obscure references are used. It shakes the mind so that you are in unfamiliar waters. Try picturing yourself drifting at sea, slowly and inexorably. The current takes you out of sight of land. A storm comes, shakes you every which way, but leaves you're position for the most part unchanged. Not very realistic, but humor me. You know you are just out of sight of land, but you have no idea which way land is. So what do you do. You wait for nightfall and the stars, and hope fervently that you know some of the constellations. In the same way, the game is played with the mind. To unsettle you're thoughts from the worn out grooves and ruts that they have been treading in. To unstagnate you're thinking, if indeed there exists such a word.

Once the chains have been untied, and the cobwebs of custom brushed away, you perceive in a different light. You question the questions to which you thought you had answers, thereby beginning the process of rediscovery. The world is not a haven of comforts and endless pleasures. It is a cold, shallow and barren place, where it's every man for himself. Humans are companioable creatures, or so we are told. But if that's true then at the same time they are excessively selfish, possessive and envious.

Dream on little boys and girls. Live these seemingly endless days of ecstasy. Soon, you'll find out different, and then I'll be there at the end to say 'I told you so'.

Of and on ' His Dark Materials '

2004-12-23T23:14:00.000+05:00

Ever completed an awesome novel? Probably. Ever read three awesome novels in a row, and I don't mean 'The Lord of the Rings' or ' Dune'. If you haven't I suggest giving ' His Dark Materials' by Phillip Pulman a try. Its a fantastic series, and chances are that if you possess all three books, you will end up reading them all in quick succession. It's one of those pieces of writing that you just can't put down. No matter how hard you try, no matter how many obligations you might have, or in my case, how much studying you have to do. It is too good a read, and is just plain mind-blowing.

The plot is definitely heretical, if you consider the views of all the major orthodox religions. However, the concepts and ideals discussed therein are too staggering to just put the book down and forget about it. It lingers on in you're mind, like a blot that can never be washed away entirely. Millions of worlds, millions of different paths of evolution, millions of possibilities existing until a choice is made. The power of the church, the power of the Authority, consciousness of matter and of course, the most startling of all things, a war waged by mankind on the Authority. Go figure.

And overriding all of these is the world as seen through the eyes of two kids, both growing up, both learning to trust each other, both having horrible personal lives, yet they are the saviours of the world or more aptly, worlds. Their adventures lead them to many places, including an interesting view of life after death, discovery that there are three basic parts to a man, spirit, body and soul. They are one, yet they are distinct. The plot is one of the most convoluted, intricate and mesmerising ones that I have had the pleasure of reading upto this day. Kudos to the author. He has evolved a masterpiece which might just attain the sort of fame that goes with famous names such as Harry Potter, or the Lord of the Rings, although it would be most difficult to pick a winner out of them.

It has been a good four hours since I finished the book, but it keeps spinning on in my mind, giving me new twists to the story as I percieve it from different angles. Love, Honor, Regret, Despair, Revenge, Hope, Loss, Hatred are beautifully described, and the last couple of chapters are heart-wrenching. The sacrifice the kids make is just too great. It is most self-less and all the more painful because of it. After finding love at the end of their sojourn, they are cruelly, inexorably and eternally separated. The pain of their parting feels more real than anything I have ever felt. It is fiction of course, but sometimes, reality and fiction do become one. It is here that the book is most powerful, it combines a deadly imagination and creativity with real experience, a very very lethal combination. The result is that the book is a vortex, pulling you in ever further into the many worlds. You feel what the children feel, what the adults feel, how people make sacrifices for the sake of each other, knowing that it would hurt but having the courage to go on and do the right thing.

It is morally inspiring, intellectually astounding and realistically revealing about the truths of human nature.

Some favourite lyrics

2004-12-16T00:14:00.000+05:00

my love's not footsteps in the snow...baby
i find u everywhere you go... baby
the pain has died as i came to wake you
but you would never realise
that i inspire the dreams that guide you..
baby..baby...baby....baby.....

you're half a world away
but in my mind i whisper every single word you say
and before you sleep at night
you pray to me your'e lucky star, you're singing satellite
you're singing satellite
you pray to me you're lucky staryou're singing satellite.

i follow the winds that bring the cold baby....
i light a fire in you're soul baby...
the lightest touch of feathers falling,
my love may be invisible
but i inspire the dreams that guide you baby........

you're half a world away
but in my mind i whisper every single word you say
and before you sleep at night
you pray to me you're lucky star you're singing satellite.

Mornings and the Winter Sun

2004-12-14T07:04:00.000+05:00

It's 630 in the morning and quite chilly. The breath is misting in the air, and outside the frosted window, the garden is covered by dense fog, with a few streams of sunlight interspersed here and there.

Rolling with a grunt out of bed, the hand reaches over and casts about for a cigarette and a light. Once lit, a deep drag followed by a satisfied exhale before I'm fully awake. Two figures lie motionless before me. Well, not entirely motionless, they're both snoring. Another grunt, followed by a big yawn precedes a short walk through a freezing corridor to the washroom. There, whilst gazing in the mirror at myself, I notice the increased stubble, dark eyes getting rid of sleep and hair imitating that of a gollywog.

The first few splashes of warm water are very welcoming. It's a brand new day, and I'm getting ready to deal with it. The tools for the task are a toothbrush, a hairbrush, toothpaste, a shaving kit and soap. Each of these is utilised in turn. Dumping them casually into a flannel bag, I see the new me, and feel much better. The corridor isn't freezing anymore, it's pleasantly chilly now. A tad warmer, I re-enter my abode and kick the two others awake.

Their standard response is muttering a couple of curses before lapsing into incoherence and pulling the eiderdowns over their heads. Ignoring all of this, I proceed to get dressed and start preparing a meager breakfast comprising of a couple of toasts with strawberry jam, a bowl of cold cereal and hot sweet tea.. The next must-do is sitting on the pc, checking email, putting on a favorite tune, whilst alternately sipping tea and puffing a cigarette.

The checklist complete, I don my bag, and my trusted ski-cap and walk out to face the world this cold winter morning. The campus seems dead. There are no signs of life and with a smirk I think of all the poor folk shivering in their beds this morning. A hideous alarm squawks somewhere in the distance, and is immediately silenced. The fog rolls across my face, trying to find a way through the three layers of clothes and do it's work of freezing me up, but I grin for I know that I'm safe and warm in my parka and boots.

Up ahead I can make out the silhouette of a large hexagonal structure, and recognise it for what it is. The center for the rest of the day. Whistling merrily with a barely perceptible skip in my step, I approach it, and see a couple of early birds like myself loitering around the entrance. Ahoy loiterers! I call out and recieve a response. I take out my cigarette pack, knowing that it will be the first thing they ask for.

I glance up at the sky , as blue as forget-me-nots and the sun, a pale orb, filtering through the fog, and am reminded of last year, of early mornings and the winter sun.

Behind the Wheel

2004-12-12T11:48:00.000+05:00

Crisp air, rushing through the window,
Blasting the hair every which way,
making the eyes water,
turning numb, the ear and the nose.
I rub my eyes, gaze distractedly at the needle.
A speck of rain lands on my cheek.
Raising the window I turn up the volume.
Calming , enchanting music sings a lullaby
to comfort me, make me forget.
Gaze directed forward,
Unfocused yet all encompassing.
Hands and feet coordinated as one,
The machine and I ,
moved through endless miles as one.
Landscapes changed, whilst
The starlight replaced the sun.
My mind was blank,
I was in a peaceful purgatory,
One of my own constructions,
to deal with the world.
The soft purr of the engine changed.
An angry lion replaced it.
Fingers sank deep into worn grooves,
in already worn out leather.
Languid back became ramrod straight.
Fluidity of movement increased
as the needle touched maximum.
The man behind the wheel, a speck, a blur.

Rainmaker

2004-12-11T11:38:00.000+05:00

Crisp cold winds upon the prairies seemed to play,
Clouds threatened grimly from on high, whilst
Trees stood steadfast upon their promontory.
Waters of the stream gushed and gurgled in fitful laughter
The soul filled up with inner light,
Glowed with luminous light.
Feet set free from their tenuous bonds with earth,
Moved with unrivaled grace and swiftness.
The beat of hearts was excited, yet calm,
The power of nature , deeply moving all who stood.
Earth was a green ocean of peace,
Heaven rolled over, a dark brooding presence.
First drop of life stilled all unruly nature,
as the sky transferred it's blessing on the parched land.
All became alive, rejoicing in splendour.
As I witnessed the miracle of rain.

Possibilities

2004-12-07T21:07:00.000+05:00

Ever wonder how things might turn out differently. How you could have gone to one school instead of the other, and where you might have ended up? How you could have met somebody and gone down a different road? How one career might have led you to meet someone new and changed your very existence?

But more than that I suppose once in a while, all folks stop and think about how they could have led their life differently, if they looked back in retrospect, I'm sure many people would look at things they did, decisions they took, and probably do them differently. But that's the part of life that's so frustrating. Given the existence of a conscience, one regrets, and hopes and feels guilty and it is probably due to that tiny voice in your mind calling to you that you tend to look back and ponder over possbilities.

What are these possiblities? Are they real, or are they but a figment of the imagination. For some people there is no such thing as free will. They believe in destiny and fate and all that. Call it religion, call it worldly experience, but whenever anybody feels blue, they console themselves by saying that it didn't matter, because it would have come to the same end either way. But then why does everybody, knowing innately that their path in life has been carved out, wonder and keep on iffing as to what might have been, and the like. Is it because they are too ignorant to realise reality? No. I cannot believe that for a moment. It seems that they choose to ignore it. For if everybody accepted that there was no purpose to trying hard, and keep flogging oneself constantly to do better, and live up to expectations, then slowly and surely, the world would come to a halt. People would stop doing what they do best, worry.

If you know that no matter what you do, you will in the end make the same amount of money (that being an example), everybody would just relax and become laid back. There would be no more competition, no more hoping and no more regretting, because my dear, hope and regret are two sides of the same coin. You unwittingly choose both when u do either one of them.

It's popular myth that has grown up around different timelines, possibilities, alternate dimensions etc. People need to believe that they have the power to control their lives to some extent, or they would completely lose it. Society would stop functioning. If one felt hatred for another, it would be alright to murder them, because it could be justified with the argument that it was meant to happen, that it was destiny, I am but a pawn in the great game of life, and its pure chance that I was the one to strike him/her down. It could have been anybody else, but in this possbility out of the millions of possbilities that can occur, this time it was me. But morally, we feel entitled by self-righteousness, to punish the one out of line. Do we stop to think what would happen if we were put in that very same position. Skeptics would argue that no, whatever I might have felt, murder would not be the case but I disagree. You can't imagine that you understand a particular situation, or how a particular person feels. Its not possible. There are many small variables that cannot be accounted for by the human mind, yet they affect it fundamentally. The combination of these variables provide an endless set of possbilities, so much so that you simply cannot pretend to put yourself in the mindset of a person who is different from you. It is too arrogant a notion to be entertained.

Possibilites, probabilities, statistics. Bah! Excuse the discourse on the subject. for after all these are the musings of a wandering mind.

The Woman

2004-12-04T02:29:00.000+05:00

He had known her for a few months at most, but he was completely sure of his feelings. Never before had he felt like this. He'd had many girls in his life before, but none like her. There was something different about this one. He was sure of it. She caused him to feel things he didn't know could be felt. He felt the need for a drink.

He walked downstairs to his study, and poured himself some scotch.. Taking the crystal glass, he looked around for his coat. As usual, his faithful housekeeper had hung it on his study chair, behind the ornate oak desk he used as his refuge from the outside world. Some manuscripts lay on the table. He gave them a careless glance. The parker fountain pen his father had given him, still lay faithfully in it's holder. He thought it needed some polishing, it had become worn out with heavy use. It was so smooth, that at times he would feel that his thoughts flowed out like water, as he wrote.
He sat heavily on the deep, plush leather chair, comfortably sinking into the now familiar grooves his body had carved. One hand lazily searched for the pack of cigarettes he always kept with him. He wasn't really a very heavy smoker, but when he worked, the nictoine seemed to unlock his creativity.

He thought of her, while movements which had become second nature to him, provided a lit cigarette. A deep drag and a sip of the 1890 scotch (a very fine year) restored some measure of composure. Slowly, he blew out a smoke ring, and then another one. Two was such a nice number. It completed everything. It took two halves to make something whole. Two heads were better than one, and it felt quite obvious to him that he had found his second. He flicked the ash expertly into a small ashtray.

He thought about her again. She was so lovely, in the prime of youth, of beauty, of intelligence, of womanhood. Her almond shaped eyes, long thick eyelashes as they fluttered demurringly, the sugary mint of her breath as they stood on the promenade. He closed his eyes and felt the touch of her thick curls upon his face, her perfume, as it intoxicated his senses. But more than all of that , it was the words she had said to him that day. To him it seemed like she could see to the barest depths of his soul. Before her, he had never allowed any woman to see the true him. Long ago, he had shared himself, and been scared. He resolved never to let that happen. He got company from the women he dated, they fulfilling his needs, and he recompensing them with gifts. He had almost stopped believing in love. It was an ideal he thought on many occasions. A chosen few were entitled to enjoy it. The rest of the people struggled in vain to find it for themselves, instead of being happy with what they could get. It was the basic characteristic of humans. They desired more than they needed, and always lusted after what somebody else had, and in the process lost what they possessed.b He had grown weary of society, of its facades and illusions. People cared no more about each other, it was all about the benefit of one party. People looking out for only themselves. It was the reason why relationships failed, why kids became parentless, why the social structure was rapidly falling. Selfishness, one of the roots of evil. That was what he had come to believe.

I happened in a bar, he had been drinking heavily, trying to drown himself so he wouldn't have to face reality. So it was a jolt to him when he saw her through a drunkard's eyes. She seemed so pure, so untainted, so different from the rest of the women he'd seen. He thought he was dreaming because it seemed to good to be true. That was before he felt the touch on his shoulder.

His vision was slightly blurred, giving her the appearance of a mirage. He was definitely dreaming he thought. He looked at the six or seven empty bottles of whisky lying on the counter and nodded to himself. But since it was real to his mind, he might as well enjoy it. So with a great effort to be courteous, he slurred whaddya wants. Seet 'ere and ave dreenks with me.
A sharp sting on his cheek followed, instantly clearing his stupor with the shock. Fully alert, and more than a little aware of the looks he was getting from the bartender, he asked for black coffee. Not until he had finished it, did he turn around and feel suitably in control to confront this woman.
Later on, he thought many a time perhaps would have been better if he had not turned around because he could have continued with his carefree life. Because when he did, he found the woman in front of him to be even more beautiful than when he was drunk. Her face was classic beauty, with high cheek bones, a perfect yet delicate nose, a forehead that invited kisses, thin sensual lips, a slender and graceful neck. Eyes that were deep whirlpools of turqoise, and shimmered blue and green repeatedly, hypnotising him, as the light swung above their heads. Eyelashes as long as they were curled, a complexion that looked too flawless to be real and light teasing perfume, hinting at wonderful things beyond. The smell of lilacs and water lilies, of dewdrops on the leaves at dawn. His very soul felt uplifted by her presence.
Before he knew it, he had devoted himself to her, such an overpowering effect she had on him. He could not control himself and suddenly asked who are you?
The tantalisingly melodious voice replied, with a sparkle in those turquoise gems, a woman.

Entranced

2004-12-03T05:06:00.000+05:00

Progressive movement,
Hallucinogenic beats, melodic voices
Fly away from the present,
Imagine the world of imagination
Women softly crooning as you sleep
The eyes see clearer when closed
The ears listen, the mind believes
Heart moves to the bass,
Divine rhythm embraces you
The feet lift off the floor.
Float away on the chords
Whilst chanting the words of disbelief
Hands move of their own accord
Body gracefully pirouettes.
Unification of desires and reality
Bliss momentary but all too real
Joyous uplifting of the soul in harmony
Cares falling away like leaves in autumn.
Dancing in the rain,
Savoring the rapture of every moment
Enjoy the feeling of entrancement
Become one with it and let it awaken.

Path of thorns

2004-12-01T05:29:00.000+05:00

He said to her, why don't you come with me? I know the journey will be long and ardous, but two stand a better chance of making it than just one. She said she listened to reason, but he could not understand why she was not able to see the logic in this decision.
Please talk to me, he whispered gently, brushing a loose strand of hair from her forehead and tucking it behind her ear. Why won't you come with me? Are you afraid that we might fail? I will be by your side, always. There is no reason to worry. I will protect you with these arms of mine.
She turned away from him, breaking the steady gaze of those grey-blue irises. A few steps, no, a few more, and there was enough distance between them, enabling her to think peacefully as she gazed into the distance.
She loved him, she was sure of that, but for some reason she did not feel like walking down this particular path. Parting with him would definitely be painful, that was assured. Yet was it possible that not going with him would save her more pain later on?
It was like searching for the garden of Eden. Legend had it that the road to it was difficult beyond belief, that deserts, rough mountains and severe weather permitted only the chosen to get through. Many had tried and failed, and this was somewhat like that, although not quite. He was calling her.
Realising that it would be terribly hard to deny to him his dream, she drew in a deep shuddering breath. She clasped her hands firmly around herself, and slowly turned around, her auburn hair cascading about her face. Her eyes met his. His face cracked into a smile. It was obvious what he thought. A small sigh escaped her lips. She walked slowly toward him, all the while looking into his eyes. The only chance she had was if she could unsettle him. He held her gaze. They both understood more through looks than with words. It had always been so. As she neared him, she thought again about what she planned to do. It was cruel, yet she felt she had no other choice. He was bent on making the journey. She was not prepared, neither physically or emotionally. She had humored him this far, but to keep leading him on, was something she could not bring herself to do. He opened his mouth to say something, and didn't get any farther than that. For she suddenly embraced him, and they stood liplocked for several long moments, whilst the sun set around them and the sky gracefully transformed itself into a deep purple vault.
When they parted for air, she told him her decision. A painful moan escaped from his lips as she crushed his hopes. It was harsh and brutal, but she felt she could not play this charade anymore.
Her love for him knew no bounds, and because she loved him, she would have to let him go. She longed to go with him, to smother him, to hold him in an eternal embrace but with willpower made of logic and love, she restrained herself. He did not say anything, just sought her eyes, trying to see if she really meant what she said. Inside, she was crying, for it meant that she would not see him for a long long time, but she loved him far too much to let herself get in the way of his search for peace, but she did not let it show. It was something she could do rather well, as a woman. He took a step towards her.
Stop. You can't convince me. You know that. Don't even think of trying to persuade me. Why do you deny the truth. You've always trusted my judgement. I disagree with you're going on this sojourn, but since you're so insistent and stubborn, like a newborn child who must touch fire before he understands why it shouldn't be touched. You're bent on going and nothing I say will actually stop you. You don't need me to come with you. I would only slow you down. Go on dearest, I'll wait. Have no worries. I did fine before I met you, and I'm still capable of taking care of myself. Now go, before it gets pitch dark, and you decide it's a convenient excuse to stay and try to make me change my mind.
He stared at her for a few moments, although it felt like eons to her. When she felt she was about to lose the clash of wills, of thoughts, of emotions, he turned on his heel, and walked down the hill, slowly, carefully, but with measured pace and a sure foot.
When he had passed the limit of her sight, she sank down upon the meadow, suddenly doubting what she had done. It would be atleast ten years before she would see him again. The road he now travelled was more perilous than any they had been on yet.
As the realisation struck her, the tears came, and they would not stop.

Disillusionment

2004-11-29T05:36:00.000+05:00

Ever wonder why you wake up one morning and start questioning everything you've been doing uptil this point. If you have, then you'll know what I'm talking about.

The feeling is rather unpleasant. You suddenly realise that everything, and I mean everything you ever took for granted was fake. It was a figment of you're imagination, an adaptation to how you percieved the world. The simple idea that all you're pre-concieved notions were unreal, that you're view of reality was distorted by the clouds you're head was up in, is just too terrible to accept. Doubt definitely gnaws at you, regret kills you slowly, but ignorance can provide bliss. Atleast until the time that the ignorant become the informed.
Ever wondered why you're life moves in the direction it does? Ever questioned why you are helpless in controlling you're own path? If you have, you know the feeling of disillusionment that engulfs you.

Imagine discovering the pain that all your'e friends have been lying to you. That all that you percieved was a facade. Everybody in on the plot to make you look like a fool. It's one of those things that takes trust, puts it through a paper shredder and tosses in a cigarette to make sure it burns slowly. Uncertainty, disenchantment, disillusionment, many words to describe the flux of emotions taking place within you at this point.

On the other hand, the good news, and probably the only good news you'll get for sometime is that the veil is off you're eyes. You can see the pitfalls that line the way. You can see the rope leading you on, and break it. To say that it's depressing is to understate the obvious, yet it is also the way to realise it fully. I mean, when you're down, and you've reached the bottom, the only way you can go is up.

Some help may be sought from those who have travelled this path before you. I got lucky that I found the wisdom in someone close, someone who has my absolute trust. Believe in the people you have, and count you'reself one of the few who have this blessing. For at the end of the day, when you lie on you're deathbed, it's not money or power or status that matter. It will be the friends you have.

Rings of Smoke

2004-11-11T11:43:00.000+05:00

Tendrils of smoke curled lazily upward.
Majestically, Gracefully,
Shapes the eye cannot follow,
Yet the mind percieves.
The red flower moves down the rolled plant,
Tobacco's incense pervading the senses.
Concealed amidst the smoke of reality
I ponder over reality's true meaning.
Ashes fall to the ground,
Seemingly in mimicry of my vain efforts.
A reflex is born,
And immediately ingrained in sparking synapses.
Deeper breaths grow out of reach.
Strength wanes while nicotine flows amidst my vains.
A poison as sweet as love,
I embrace the serpentine flower
Giving in to it's alluring ecstasy.

Words that come to mind when you are sitting with that hot cup of tea and a cigarette in you're hand, blowing smoke rings in the wind.

Love

2004-11-11T07:42:00.000+05:00

Behold the beauty of she,
Appreciate it, for it doth deserve no scorn.
Let it inspire, and improve the inner soul.
Feminity charms the senses and clouds the mind,
It speaks of bliss in the arms of the beloved,for beauty lieth forever in the eye of the beholder.
Reach out and embrace destiny
Clasp it with both hands, clutch it tight near they heart,
Love, so tender a thing, let not the wind blow it away.
The essence of her, calming but exhilarating,
Frightening while soothing,
tempting yet elusive.
The mind devoid of logic, cries out in utter despair,
Heart drunk with intoxication, slurs a fitful melody,
Spinning fantasies, real and ethereal.
Reality sails under a starry night on peaceful waters.
The sighs of the winds bidding it Godspeed.

Know then that you are fortunate,for enlightened your conscious has become,
Give in to naught but the dream,
The dream of she, who held your hand,Who whispered into thy ear,and bespoke of fair things.
Embrace your destiny, dear one and let it carry you amidst the clouds
Life is but a tale, love is but a myth, What lies betwixt is merely legend.

Love,
An unfathomable concept.
It arises out of nowhere.yet takes over completely
Powerless and intoxicating
Giddying with its delight
A perfect kaleidoscope of thoughts, of emotions
Drink the wine,
Ignite the perfume
A hotbox of joy
An epitome of content.
The fulfillment of a basic need.
With an abundance of sensual security.
As fragile as ether,
Intangible, spiritual, unreal.
As a palette to a drab world.
Flowing movement in clear smoke.
More complex than a myriad mazes
Miasmas of torn desire and cause of unhealing regrets.
First timers thrive on luck
Veterans on disbelief
An outspoken secret between two.